"Because I Said So........": Oh how some need to come to realizations and just ...

"Because I Said So........": Oh how some need to come to realizations and just ...: So the last year or so , you have all read my comments, thoughts, learnings , pains, growths, etc. I share them for a bit of therapy f...

Oh how some need to come to realizations and just GROW!

So the last year or so , you have all read my comments, thoughts, learnings , pains, growths, etc.  I share them for a bit of therapy for myself, it feels good to release it and because of who I am, I always hope that I just maybe I will touch on someone's inner emotions that maybe need a little shove to come out as well.  I am shocked at how many people read this, but still shocked on how people comment only personally mostly. I see that as being scared to admit how one feels and no one should have to feel that way. We are all an individual and through all these lessons I have learned over my lifetime (but the majority this past year) is that no one is better then the next one.  If you stop and really, truly pay attention to what is around you and that includes YOUR own self, you will be amazed at what you can see.  I recently have noticed seen so many,.many people wrapped up in trying to be something they are not even remotely close to.  I am no genius by any means, and I don't always make the right choices but the difference is that I understand that completely and can always take accountability for it as well.

I always taught my girls and my nieces and nephews one lesson that all still remember and that is that you never let anyone get the best of you and you kill with kindness, that approach is always a great pay off because you are not feeding into negative behaviors by letting someone eat you alive with emotion.  I repeated this over and over and explained whenever any of them had pain put upon them.  I would tell them that the one that has to seek out someone to be their punching bag is one that is the weakest link that there is. This is the absolute only way for these kind of people to grasp on to any sort of self confidence by hurting someone else.  The sad thing is that they most likely don't even have the skills to see this or understand who they really are and what their actions to almost all life happenings really means. Is there any reason that one has to put such energy into someone else's world when they are not asked or when they have absolutely no idea what they are imposing on. Absolutely NOT!  So, you see, I am now learning to practice this as well at this time in life and so sad to say who it is I have learned this about.  Although the pain from this was somewhat incredibly harsh because it is family or so called family...I have grown so much because of it and I wish all could see and feel what I now can feel.  It is the answer to so many questions in my life and now it is all so clear.

As we age day by day, we do new things, meet new people and seek out daily goals, weekly goals, life goals and always move forward to where we want to be and in my opinion, we should be adding to all of those daily goals on a constant basis or how can you grow?  Growth has become quite an important word in my life and of course not for the word but for the meaning.  Do you really know what growth is, do you see it happening in yourself? It truly is a great feeling and I ignored this for so long, not that I did not grow in these past  years but now I understand the growth and use it to my advantage for the positive aspects of life and negative as well. I guess what I am ultimately expressing is to start paying attention because if you don't, it could be too late in some areas of life and who wants that?

I absolutely adore having the friends that I have and the majority of my family that thinks in the manner that is not self absorbing and egotistical. Of course I always have to express boldly that I have amazing girls and am so proud of each one of them and the man of my dreams that understands me beyond what I have ever imagined and I cannot even begin to tell you how many lessons he has taught me or how much he has made me realize but has made me the happiest that I have ever been in life.

Sharing my feelings again is a great way to release and I encourage all to just dawdle in giving it a shot, reading your thoughts as well can make you come to some realizations.

Just a tip: Even though pain can sometimes seem that is in the far depths of your core, remember that all life happenings have meaning and lessons and you can only see them if you stop to pay attention with not only you mind but your heart and always remember that you are responsible for your own life and not anyone else's.  Never speak or take the someone's else's life into your own hands to do what you feel you have any rights too.  Take that for what it means to you and devour it with thoughts.

Thank you all for a birthday that always makes me smile knowing I have so many special people in my life

xoxo

"Because I Said So........": Just some words...........

"Because I Said So........": Just some words...........: Today was a sad day on the work front, but I have to put it in the back of noggin and move forward. Always so many changes, I am gettin...

Just some words...........

Today was a sad day on the work front, but I have to put it in the back of noggin and move forward.  Always so many changes, I am getting used to the shock and then sucking it up and taking care of business unfortunately!  Taking on more work and responsibility again, but will be able to do accomplish from home this time.  On the bright side, I have lots of experience to add on to my skills list ;)

Bailey got her license today, it is crazy sitting in the DMV and looking at your once little girl getting into a car to drive herself.  I can't help but tear up and have lots of memories going through my head.  She is a great driver and I trust in her completely, but still so scary letting them loose on those scary roads.  We must accept the fact though that our babies do grow up, but MAN...does it happen so damn fast or what? I could not be any more proud of my girls and who and what they have become and are becoming.  It is such a gift to watch this, and not only my girls, but their friends who they have grown with as well.  The young are so amazing if you really just stop and watch.  I, myself learn so much from them still.  Cheyenne is thinking about joining the swim team...she has been blessed with being a "fish" from day one.  Being raised on a private lake probably has much to do with that, but seriously as soon as that child could walk, she had no fear of the water and absolutely loved it and she is a natural...very strong swimmer! That is a big commitment, but will be good for her in so many ways! Brianna and I talk so much now and I love it, she is doing absolutely great at NIU, despite the crazy happening that we had 2 weekends ago.  Everyone has a crazy roommate story, but we got the "Lifetime" movie roommate. She pulled a knife on Bri and although no one was hurt and police were fast on the scene and took care of it very well...it was so very scary for her, Pat and Other roommate Paige and not to mention Mommy who gets this 3 am phone call.  All is ok, the girl was kicked out of NIU of course, but not a fun first year with that.  Always craziness happening in our lives huh?  

I have so many people in my life right now that are battling unfortunate events and although you always reach your hand out to offer your help, it seems as if you can't ever make things better for anyone.  I know that everyone has to make good on their own issues, but I wish I could always do more and make things better for so many. I absolutely hate watching anyone suffer, although suffering does build character and strength to a very high degree if you live it all fully and you are true to yourself.  All I can do is be there and make sure they know that I am here for anything no matter what.  Knowing you have someone if you need them just might be the only thing that you need anyways right?

2012 is my year as stated before for focusing on organization and slowing down a bit.  I have already knocked the crap out of this and I am so proud of myself.  I don't know about you, but when I knock one thing out..WATCH OUT because I get so compulsive as I check things  off the list.  I get more and more into taking care of that whole list after I tackle one item.  I have made lots of checks already and I can't believe it, it builds my confidence up and makes me even more productive. Try it once, make a list, post it somewhere and start going! I will add this tidbit as well, since I am a techy girl...my life is run on some sort of electronic device pretty much at all time, with that being said...I have apps for my entire existence pretty much, but one app is absolutely incredible for staying organized and even more so for those of us that live the life of using technology to its fullest for even your personal life. The app is called Springpad, it is so great!! It has already changed my life to say the least...I use it at work, but more so for my personal life has it made things so much easier for me!  Check it out; it may be of value for you as well! And it is FREE! 

If you read my posts, you would have understood that I have taken the "I’m not taking any more negative behavior, criticism and simply ugly behavior anymore" train! I cannot tell you the satisfaction this has given me. I so wish that I would have had the strength to have done this earlier in my life, but that is ok.  I feel empowered. I have found a piece of Sheryl that was in there but I could not release!  It feels so good not to feel the need to kiss someone's ass just to keep peace; I am so done with that...family or not, I’M DONE!  I have been through some very troubling times and looking back now, I put up with more ill behavior from others on top of the pain I was already going through...who wants to accept that into their lives?? I sure thought I did, but ohhhhhhh how nice it is not to be bothered by it anymore! The sad thing is, is even though I removed myself from the situations, I watch it continually happen..kind of like a sickness and the funny thing is...there is no involvement at all on my end which makes it all the more confident in my decision.  Minds need to grow and learn and accountability be taken for actions played out.  I am learning that as well but I am far from this level!  Until that happens, I will continue as I am...and that is HAPPY!

I have been practicing my guitar and it is a lot harder then I imagined or maybe I am taking on too much too fast...If you know me, I do not like to wait for things...so I jumped a few levels and tried just playing songs I want to play instead of learning the basics, so I am going back and forth a bit on that...I am learning lots though and it is so very relaxing.  I am not going to promise this yet, but I have strong intentions to join a gym here soon.  I feel that if I pay for something, I will more likely keep on it, but I am not sure on that.  I have been changing my eating habits as well to try and eliminate my severe food allergies, so I don’t want to overwhelm myself with drastic change because then I will lose interest too fast.  But I need to do it all for sure! I sure wish Mchenry had an enclosed pool that was open to the public, I could swim daily and it is so good for you! We will see how the next couple weeks unfold.

Again, I need to go off to dreamland so that I am rearing to go for a productive work day tomorrow.  I hope all is well in your world and if not, MAKE IT HAPPEN!!!

"Because I Said So........": Knocking down the walls.

"Because I Said So........": Knocking down the walls.: Although I know that I have walls up to protect myself and my girls, I don't think I realized that some of them are so strong that I a...

Knocking down the walls.

Although I know that I have walls up to protect myself and my girls, I don't think I realized that some of them are so strong that I almost don't have the power to knock them down for my own self.  I have had them up for so very long that I am having trouble letting them fall.  At first, I was recognizing this and telling myself that "it must not be time to knock this one down or it would knock down itself"  My heart told me different and I soon found myself being combative with my own thoughts.  As i dug deeper and dissected this, I found that I was completely consumed with hidden pain and fear that I have hid behind this wall for approximately 10 years now.  Through my past relationships, I have let this be my guide and I followed my own insights to the fullest and I can say quite confidently that those choices were the right ones for the most part.  At this point, I know it is time to knock those all down; it is just an extreme scare to say the least!! 

With my recent unexpected rekindling of my once husband's relationship, (on a good friendship level) I very quickly was transformed a bit. Right away there was a lift of heavy burden off my shoulders.  I can't express the comfort this brought me. What I can express is that this opened my heart and eyes to the underlying reason for some of my behaviors that I have presently.  After much back and forth with this new change and many nights of complete confusion, this was all so very clear to me.  I brag always about my strength and although I take much pride in it...I know now that my strength in some areas may have been extreme weakness hiding out. I have a bit of time I am sure until I understand this fully or maybe not understand but am comfortable with all these changes.  As I type this even, I still am scared that I need to keep these walls up but I know they have to come down.  I do not know if the rekindle released the fear partially or if it was just a timing issue.

This past year, I have learned many lessons as I have expressed over and over.  I very rarely make myself promises, but when I do....I can guarantee I stick to my promise!  I made the promise that no one is going to control me or make me feel inferior any more...See I have this type of personality that can attract this kind of behavior.  I even have lived knowing this and continued to let it happen...BUT NO MORE!! Last year, I put a strict promise on myself that I will no longer let this happen and especially from loved ones. No one person is going to treat me like I am lower than them or that my words, thoughts, feelings or concerns don't deserve to be heard or felt.  I have stuck to this and it has changed my life in many ways.  It is rewarding and built my confidence level up even higher than it was. The reason I mention this is because this rekindling fell in the midst of this promise and although this is something that I have longed for , for a very long time....I will not buckle to anything that is not a comfort zone , because that would break my promise.  I need to put myself, Bob, Brianna, Bailey and Cheyenne first.  The rest will fall into place.

Back to the issue at hand about this heavy duty wall. I have let it down and it feels good, not great yet, but very good.  I still am combating myself that I need it up but I know it is to be down now.  The wall was up to protect my pain; I never wanted to be so hurt again.  I did let people in my heart and life because quite honestly I do let everyone in my heart and life because that is just who I am and who I always have been. What the difference is is too let someone into my heart and soul.  I can say that I have never in my life been in the place that I am in right now.  I can be myself, feel free, feel smart, and feel like I have meaning on this earth. (I could go on and on)  I have never felt this, and the sad thing is no one knew that nor really cared I believe.   None of that truly matters though anymore because I understand it all and I am not seeking out approval or feeling the need for resolution at all times with ones that do not see things for what they really are, instead only focusing on themselves and self-fulfillment. There is obviously much more involved in all of this and I share that only with the man that has held my hand along this roller coaster path of mine. He has not only walked with me but guided me with the knowledge and wisdom of his own path.  He is a HUGE part of my realizations because of the love, support and respect that I have forever looked for and finely HAVE.

Now with all that being said, I have much to work on to better myself.  I now see behaviors in myself that need some tending to.  They are not terrible, as a matter of fact, they probably are just as good as they are bad but I need to understand them and focus on them to make sure I am using them in the best manner. It amazes me how I keep gaining knowledge on myself daily almost.  It has become a hobby in some ways to learn about my own being.  I do not feel enough people actually take the time out to pay attention to themselves and understand who and what they are.  

I feel a bit empowered over these recent happenings and although life sometimes can be challenging and I have times that I question where and what I am doing, I have the confidence that I can stop and think my way through anything.  I slip up quite a bit I will say, but I know that taking accountability will make me seek out resolution in a healthier way for all involved.  I am working on that as well :).  

So, with 1:00 am approaching, it is now time for me to snuggle up and rest my mind, if that is at all possible. Tomorrow is a new day.