Owl Let You Know: Don't Wake Daddy!

Owl Let You Know: Don't Wake Daddy!: Decided to pay a visit to the owls again today.  After searching around for them I finally found the male in a different tree than usual.  ...

Home Sweet McHenry

Tonight Bob and I went and mowed the lawns at my Mom's building and house in town and as I was taking a break while Bob was working....I was just sitting there looking around.  My mom's building is right across from Walgreen's so it is a busy intersection and some good people watching.  Well I was sitting there and saw a group of young girls walking down the road and for whatever reason it hit me hard that not too long ago that was me walking down 120.  Time flies so fast.  I remember always hearing this as we grew up and it meant nothing to us, we did not care or even understand that statement at all about time.  I know that I am loving my age and where I am but sometimes I really do miss being young and having no worries at all.  It is so fun watching all the kids enjoying childhood and growing and learning.  

I love having the girl’s friends over and everyone being silly and just enjoying what they have.  

In 3 years all three of my babies will be off starting their own paths and although it brings tears to my eyes, I am excited to start living that childhood again; I will just be a bit older this time... 

I do not know about you but having the responsibility of parenting on a 24/7 basis is far more stressful then anything you come across.  I am always consumed with some sort of stress being a parent. I want to be doing the right thing, I want to make sure they are doing the right thing; I’m always trying to teach lessons…short and long term. I work on work ethics, finances, etc. and so I am always thinking about my actions as a mom.  I suppose that is good for the most part, but it takes away from the joy of life sometimes.  I cannot wait for the day to know that I can go through the day knowing that I don't HAVE to do keep a constant Hawk eye on all of them.  Of course a parents job is never done and I will go to my grave being a mother hen, but the stress level will be in relax mode. Those will be the days to sit back and watch what they do with the parenting skills you passed on.

I have added a marketing role to my position at work and that has me on a social media piece much more than the norm.  I have been reading the statuses, comments, complaints and whatever else we see among our friends/like list.  It is so interesting to me, to see where and who the people we grew up with have grown into.  I would have to say that we had a nice little community that we grew up in.  Many of us are still here, many of us are gone and many of us come back to visit.  I feel though, no matter where you are, Home is Home and has a comforting feeling.  I, myself cannot wait to venture out of here and take trips to explore.  With that being said, I have to say I am proud of where I grew up and the people that I grew up with.  You can make the best of anywhere you are, it is not just about the physical place you are in, it is all about the mental place you are in that is key in life.  I am lucky enough to also have a soul mate/best friend that enhances that to the fullest and it just makes life even more rewarding.  Opening your mind to what is around you is the most success you can have.  

I love to see the happiness around me and I can only hope that everyone in my life and surroundings are living their life to the fullest and being true to whom and where they are, it is the only way to live!!!

LIVE FREE!

Sheryl

Realizations

I was just getting ready to climb into my cozy bed when i decided to post a short blog about realizations since this is such a big part of my past year and has been the best life lesson I have had yet.  I see daily the ins and outs of peoples behaviors and how one can continue on with a certain good or bad trait and not realize how this can effect other people.  I have posted prior to the word accountability and most people cannot understand this because they are caught up in it to such a high degree that they cannot even grasp the concept.  In my past, my heart has always got in my way of respect from others because I let myself be weak and at the same time aggressive to my point and maybe sometimes to aggressive.  I am still understanding that one a bit but I feel it has some truth to it now that I have pondered on it.

I talked to a friend tonight as well that stuck to her heart and moved forward with all strength and got some satisfaction finally, Although it was not a satisfaction that one would want to have but nonetheless, it was a success.  I will not mention names but Im very proud of her and I hope that a lesson was taught and put to heart with full mode. She deserves the strength and confidence that she deserves from this!!! It goes to show you that you can succeed when you put your heart and soul into something.  Her realizations tonight were ones she already knew but I know she found some more as well from this happening.

I do not want to tell people how to act or live their life, but I will say that taking the time to see what you are living and how you are acting and how it effects others is so worth that effort.  It pays off to realize some things that you did not know were there, it just may very well change your life as it has mine several times now.  Change is great and keeps your growth blossoming within you.  I am finding myself understanding more then I have ever imagined and the feeling is good although it comes with pain as well.  The difference is now I get the pain, understand it and it makes it easier to let it go and move forward.

Have a great night 

Looking all around yourself and Smile :)

I’m so happy I almost feel guilty in a way.  I have been dissecting my life and all that surrounds it or that is in it or once was I should say.  It is so easy to say you are in love or that you, life or things are good.  Those are words....are you really saying those from your inner self or do you just say them to speak the words? I can admit NOW that I did so much of that, probably for reasons that are understandable and maybe some for just the opposite.  Nonetheless, I have come to the path in life that I see so much that has been happening for decades that needed to change, needed to be understood and acted upon in whichever way was the healthiest for ME and my loved ones. 

There are so many directions that you can veer off on in every life happening, whether you choose the right or wrong one is the question.  I firmly believe that there is no right path; I believe that you can be on the wrong path and actually learn more than a path that was near perfect, if you will.  As long as you recognize the ugliness on one of the paths crossings and you get off and take what you learned and then create a new path.  This should be in my opinion, an ongoing factor in your life.  Growth should be never ending at all cost; you cannot put a stop on learning, listening, believing, etc.. If you do, you will go stale and you will be robbing yourself of living your life.

I recently have come to the realization that I am a bit too giving in the parenting side of life as well, Although I have three amazing girls that I put first and foremost their entire lives and I can literally say that I have lived my life for them and which I am proud of and do not regret one bit...BUT...I now realize that I could say NO and disagree and not fully support all their choices, action, behaviors.  That kind of sounds like any one of them could have made a bad choice that I supported and that is just not the case, what I am saying is that...I think I could have pushed a bit harder and it is never too late and so I am eagerly pushing the envelope a bit more right now.  I always had a barrier wall of fear that I gave into more times than needed.  There are definitely reasons for that, or at least I know where the "give in" came from.  I think for the most part I am a very good mom, but I had my head into making our scenario work and be prosperous by going to get my degree and working my ass off, that I sometimes was just easy to sway.  Nothing dramatic, just life in general.  One thing I never lacked in though was communication and that is what I think saved us for sure!  Although my girls would disagree with this statement, but there is never too much communication.  I don’t know if you can over communicate; if you can....I most certainly fall into that! I am trying to focus on that as well.

If there was one thing I could offer as my best advice piece, it would be: Stop whatever scenario you have presently happening in your life and look at it from all angles. This does not mean just the pros and cons, as this is how many of us make life decisions, you have to dig deeper.  Example being: branch off your pros and cons with questions to yourself on the present, future, how it benefits you and your loved ones.  Always understand what you are debating within your own self, seek another direction even if it is against your beliefs.  You need to feel other avenues in life. If you don’t feel them, you cannot make a safe decision.  This does not mean you have to act on anything, I am simply stating the fact to expand your boundaries and venture into unknown territory to just have that uneasy feeling, this will show your final decision is solid.  

One very big lesson that I have learned is too not judge any one person ONLY until you have involved yourself  in their persona on a personal level.  Only when you do this can you make a fair call.  People are complex and so you cannot look at a person for face value, well this is my opinion anyways.  I will say though that I feel it is 100% correct, the saying, "Until you walk in my shoes, don't judge or speak" is so true.  It actually sickens me to some degree when I see people open their face and throw up words and comments upon someone or something when they do not have one foot remotely near the situation to speak. What makes me even sicker is when they do this and they have more issues themselves that need deep resolve.  SO, keep your lips zipped when you don't know what you are talking about and focus on yourself instead of others because I can guarantee, we all have our own faults we should be putting our energies into instead of hiding behind someone else's issues just so you can pretend yours are not there.  Which brings me to my next important finding?

Accountability - This is a word everybody should know and practice at all times.  I have never respected it as much as I do now.  It goes a long way when you take this on in your daily routine.  This goes hand in hand with stopping and smelling the roses daily as well and focusing on your actions and how they play out in your life happenings.  I am a defensive person; I will defend the loved ones in my life to the core.  That is just the extreme loyal side of me, I will say, I am proud of this but at the same time, I needed to understand that I am not only defending but I am enabling as well with that to a point.  I have noticed that this can be harmful, even though it seems like a good gesture to practice.  Again, I absolutely know WHY I do this and that helps in the process of taking a few steps back and not be so fast to defend but to listen and just maybe see something I did not see before prior to defending.  In my own family, I see so much of this going on and so much that went on since my childhood into my adulthood, so much that it has actually shocked me now that I see it.  It brings to the surface, so much unturned ground that I have had brewing in my soul.  When you cannot see who and what you are yourself, how can you EVER see someone else?  That goes for all your inner circle relationships, you have to at least be open to your own self to be able to let others in.  Until you can admit to fault (because we all have them and always will) you don't get to harbor on others.  With that being said, I have been putting this to practice as well.  This is a very important piece to hold on to and adhere to as well.  The sad part is , that in my family....I see this as a change that will never happen with some because of such self-absorption and ego's in the way, that is a whole other can of worms and I do not have the energies to touch on that way presently :).  That is why I have chosen a path to walk the other way for the time being.  I have found that doing this; I have for once in my life, been able to focus clearly without the bully behavior and the ridiculing practices that I have been burdened with my entire life.  I feel free and although I am so happy about it, it saddens me that I went so long feeling this way when it was so easy to get away from.  It was a great lesson, one that has ultimately changed me in several ways; I feel I am a better person by far because of it.  I do hope one day that this changes to a certain extent, but I can guarantee it will not change until other change has been set in stone. That is a promise!  The inner strength I have gained from this is so extreme.  Just remember to respect yourself and think about your decisions and actions, they could possibly not be the best move for you or anyone involved.  Also remember that sometimes, ill actions can be permanent and this could be detrimental to your being and or life.  Your actions to one could go beyond that person and affect others to a deeper degree, keep that in your noggin to brew!

So off the psych roller coaster and onto the health aspect of my life.  I ran around the block and rode my bike, worked out a bit and was so proud, so proud, I actually felt skinnier instantly...lol.  The point is, I have not had the time to do it again, ok...I chose not to when I probably could have for sure...I need someone to push my ass to get my OCD kicking in for health reasons.  I will say though, that my eating habits are on the OCD path pretty much, so that is a plus!  It is hard for me for some odd reason! HELP!!Everyday my awesome little brother and sister in law works out right next door to my workplace and everyday he screams, "are you coming to work out today".  One day I am going to shock their cute little selves and just do it! They would absolutely love it!!! We will see! If my man wasn't working his butt off and working long ass hard manual hours, he would be pushing me!  We are just simply exhausted every night but I am sure if we worked out in our workout area at home that we set up so nicely, we would have more energy...easier said than done.  He at least is working out all day working; I am sitting on my butt most of the day!!! This is something as well that I would like to instill on my beautiful daughters.  Health should be given more attention to for obvious reasons.  I think it is finally on an upward path, but needs much for attention to detail from all, including me!  Brianna is coming home tomorrow and she has been working out left and right and eating.  I am hoping she will bring some much needed energy home as well; it is always easier when you have someone doing it with you.

Long blog today, but I have so much internal energy. Now that I have worked my butt off organizing and covering at work, things should be settling down on the home front after about a year of high stress!  More clarity should be around the corner and I can focus more on US as a whole.  

To conclude, I have never been as happy as I am right now.  Happy, Healthy Children that amaze me daily and a man that walked back into my life on a different level that brought me more than I could ever imagine, I didn't know I could be in such a good place in mind, body and spirit.  I have never felt this much satisfaction in my existence. WOO HOO.

Also, one last thing.  A very important part of my life as many of you know is our organization Walla-pa-looza.  Please seek more information on ... http://walla-pa-looza.org/.  It is an amazing group helping our community.  Our big yearly event is coming up right around the corner and we need volunteers and most important:::: we need sponsors and raffle prizes.  Please find in your heart to help out if you can and please come join us for a great ROCKING day! Our Walla family has all been so busy with new jobs, kids and life in general that I miss them all and look forward to our event planning and spending lots of time together again...

ROCK ON

Sheryl

Happy Trails ;)

Now that I have written so many blogs about my ailments in life and complaints, I have decided to stop all that and now that I have seen life in a different light, I need to start focusing more on moving forward with fun and adventure blog..  I feel I have lost touch with lots of people because I have been consumed with constant disappointments time after time in my life.

I am proud to say that after many battles and lots and lots and lots of hard work.  I am at a comfortable zone in my life for once.  I honestly will say , I have never felt this comfortable and alive.  I am working on myself now, trying to learn to relax and realize I do not have to be on the defense in several aspects of my life anymore and to just live for the day.  It is so easy, yet sometimes so hard.  I struggled for so long and I finally am reaping the benefits, of course I will not stop climbing, but I have my head out of the water finally. WOO HOO!!

It sounds silly but I read on Facebook, Twitter, any social media and read friends, family, coworkers, etc and see all the fun everyone is having and doing and I always question, how does everyone have time and stamina to always do things. I feel I am always flying all over the place and yet I never get anything accomplished in my eyes anyways. Well, I am learning that this is not the case and that I need to stop sometimes and enjoy and remember that everything will still be there after I enjoy some much needed time.  I think it is so easy for our generation to live this lifestyle, but I think that is why we have such a higher level of stress as well.  Time goes to fast to have to worry that the pillows on the couch are not perfect or that a door is not closed right or a carpet in the bathroom is not perfectly lined up on the floor, etc, etc.  This is my everyday events and I think it has consumed me.

One thing I have always cherished is nature and although i get out in it very much, I do not get out in it as much as I would love to.  My amazing man that has experienced so much  has started introducing me to new adventures.  I have always canoed in our own private lake, but in circles and on calm water, now that Bob has me out canoeing, I am in love with it! I want to kayak and start hiking.  We need to get in shape big TIME! I am not a working out kind of girl as much as I would love to be, but i have amazing energy and should be using it as somehow constructive to my own body for sure, so that is my plan.  My problem is that my plan never seems to come alive...lol.  I am so famous for saying, "Im getting up in the morning to go and walk" or "when I get home, Im going right into our workout area and getting it done, but....something always comes up and I find an excuse no matter what and this is a hard thing to break.

Actualy, right now I am stopping this writing and going to watch a movie with my baby girls.  Will be back.

Two days later, I am writing again.  I am laying in bed, listening to Robert snore away and just put the girls to bed and talking to my Tracy Sue Elizabeth Ogmonic and she is one special person, cousin or no cousin, I love that I have spent my entire life with her and that we have one another!!

We went to NIU tonight to bring Brianna, Pat and Paige (bri's bestie and roommate) their easter baskets and to take them to dinner and we got to see owls and we found (brianna) found a baby owl right there, it was incredible!!  WGN came back on DirectTV today, thank goodness...I hate starting my day without WGN news , they are so fun and happy!!

These new outlook on life is so enlightening, it is not even really a new outlook as much as it is reality that has slapped me in the face, learning who I am is such an adventure in itself.  You never know what life brings you and I have gone through some times, but I would not change a thing for what I have today as I sit here.  It is truly insane what you see and learn when you stop to really pay attention to what and who you are and what is happening around you for what it is.  Sometimes we get so caught up in the everyday chain of events, that we forget to see our own life and that is sad because it is a whole different world, so if you dont take that time, you really need to focus on that right away.

Well it is time to go and snuggle and fall asleep , Friday tomorrow and a nice relaxing weekend with my honey and Yes we are actually going to RELAX!!!

Goodnight
Sheryl

"Because I Said So........": Oh how some need to come to realizations and just ...

"Because I Said So........": Oh how some need to come to realizations and just ...: So the last year or so , you have all read my comments, thoughts, learnings , pains, growths, etc. I share them for a bit of therapy f...

Oh how some need to come to realizations and just GROW!

So the last year or so , you have all read my comments, thoughts, learnings , pains, growths, etc.  I share them for a bit of therapy for myself, it feels good to release it and because of who I am, I always hope that I just maybe I will touch on someone's inner emotions that maybe need a little shove to come out as well.  I am shocked at how many people read this, but still shocked on how people comment only personally mostly. I see that as being scared to admit how one feels and no one should have to feel that way. We are all an individual and through all these lessons I have learned over my lifetime (but the majority this past year) is that no one is better then the next one.  If you stop and really, truly pay attention to what is around you and that includes YOUR own self, you will be amazed at what you can see.  I recently have noticed seen so many,.many people wrapped up in trying to be something they are not even remotely close to.  I am no genius by any means, and I don't always make the right choices but the difference is that I understand that completely and can always take accountability for it as well.

I always taught my girls and my nieces and nephews one lesson that all still remember and that is that you never let anyone get the best of you and you kill with kindness, that approach is always a great pay off because you are not feeding into negative behaviors by letting someone eat you alive with emotion.  I repeated this over and over and explained whenever any of them had pain put upon them.  I would tell them that the one that has to seek out someone to be their punching bag is one that is the weakest link that there is. This is the absolute only way for these kind of people to grasp on to any sort of self confidence by hurting someone else.  The sad thing is that they most likely don't even have the skills to see this or understand who they really are and what their actions to almost all life happenings really means. Is there any reason that one has to put such energy into someone else's world when they are not asked or when they have absolutely no idea what they are imposing on. Absolutely NOT!  So, you see, I am now learning to practice this as well at this time in life and so sad to say who it is I have learned this about.  Although the pain from this was somewhat incredibly harsh because it is family or so called family...I have grown so much because of it and I wish all could see and feel what I now can feel.  It is the answer to so many questions in my life and now it is all so clear.

As we age day by day, we do new things, meet new people and seek out daily goals, weekly goals, life goals and always move forward to where we want to be and in my opinion, we should be adding to all of those daily goals on a constant basis or how can you grow?  Growth has become quite an important word in my life and of course not for the word but for the meaning.  Do you really know what growth is, do you see it happening in yourself? It truly is a great feeling and I ignored this for so long, not that I did not grow in these past  years but now I understand the growth and use it to my advantage for the positive aspects of life and negative as well. I guess what I am ultimately expressing is to start paying attention because if you don't, it could be too late in some areas of life and who wants that?

I absolutely adore having the friends that I have and the majority of my family that thinks in the manner that is not self absorbing and egotistical. Of course I always have to express boldly that I have amazing girls and am so proud of each one of them and the man of my dreams that understands me beyond what I have ever imagined and I cannot even begin to tell you how many lessons he has taught me or how much he has made me realize but has made me the happiest that I have ever been in life.

Sharing my feelings again is a great way to release and I encourage all to just dawdle in giving it a shot, reading your thoughts as well can make you come to some realizations.

Just a tip: Even though pain can sometimes seem that is in the far depths of your core, remember that all life happenings have meaning and lessons and you can only see them if you stop to pay attention with not only you mind but your heart and always remember that you are responsible for your own life and not anyone else's.  Never speak or take the someone's else's life into your own hands to do what you feel you have any rights too.  Take that for what it means to you and devour it with thoughts.

Thank you all for a birthday that always makes me smile knowing I have so many special people in my life

xoxo

"Because I Said So........": Just some words...........

"Because I Said So........": Just some words...........: Today was a sad day on the work front, but I have to put it in the back of noggin and move forward. Always so many changes, I am gettin...

Just some words...........

Today was a sad day on the work front, but I have to put it in the back of noggin and move forward.  Always so many changes, I am getting used to the shock and then sucking it up and taking care of business unfortunately!  Taking on more work and responsibility again, but will be able to do accomplish from home this time.  On the bright side, I have lots of experience to add on to my skills list ;)

Bailey got her license today, it is crazy sitting in the DMV and looking at your once little girl getting into a car to drive herself.  I can't help but tear up and have lots of memories going through my head.  She is a great driver and I trust in her completely, but still so scary letting them loose on those scary roads.  We must accept the fact though that our babies do grow up, but MAN...does it happen so damn fast or what? I could not be any more proud of my girls and who and what they have become and are becoming.  It is such a gift to watch this, and not only my girls, but their friends who they have grown with as well.  The young are so amazing if you really just stop and watch.  I, myself learn so much from them still.  Cheyenne is thinking about joining the swim team...she has been blessed with being a "fish" from day one.  Being raised on a private lake probably has much to do with that, but seriously as soon as that child could walk, she had no fear of the water and absolutely loved it and she is a natural...very strong swimmer! That is a big commitment, but will be good for her in so many ways! Brianna and I talk so much now and I love it, she is doing absolutely great at NIU, despite the crazy happening that we had 2 weekends ago.  Everyone has a crazy roommate story, but we got the "Lifetime" movie roommate. She pulled a knife on Bri and although no one was hurt and police were fast on the scene and took care of it very well...it was so very scary for her, Pat and Other roommate Paige and not to mention Mommy who gets this 3 am phone call.  All is ok, the girl was kicked out of NIU of course, but not a fun first year with that.  Always craziness happening in our lives huh?  

I have so many people in my life right now that are battling unfortunate events and although you always reach your hand out to offer your help, it seems as if you can't ever make things better for anyone.  I know that everyone has to make good on their own issues, but I wish I could always do more and make things better for so many. I absolutely hate watching anyone suffer, although suffering does build character and strength to a very high degree if you live it all fully and you are true to yourself.  All I can do is be there and make sure they know that I am here for anything no matter what.  Knowing you have someone if you need them just might be the only thing that you need anyways right?

2012 is my year as stated before for focusing on organization and slowing down a bit.  I have already knocked the crap out of this and I am so proud of myself.  I don't know about you, but when I knock one thing out..WATCH OUT because I get so compulsive as I check things  off the list.  I get more and more into taking care of that whole list after I tackle one item.  I have made lots of checks already and I can't believe it, it builds my confidence up and makes me even more productive. Try it once, make a list, post it somewhere and start going! I will add this tidbit as well, since I am a techy girl...my life is run on some sort of electronic device pretty much at all time, with that being said...I have apps for my entire existence pretty much, but one app is absolutely incredible for staying organized and even more so for those of us that live the life of using technology to its fullest for even your personal life. The app is called Springpad, it is so great!! It has already changed my life to say the least...I use it at work, but more so for my personal life has it made things so much easier for me!  Check it out; it may be of value for you as well! And it is FREE! 

If you read my posts, you would have understood that I have taken the "I’m not taking any more negative behavior, criticism and simply ugly behavior anymore" train! I cannot tell you the satisfaction this has given me. I so wish that I would have had the strength to have done this earlier in my life, but that is ok.  I feel empowered. I have found a piece of Sheryl that was in there but I could not release!  It feels so good not to feel the need to kiss someone's ass just to keep peace; I am so done with that...family or not, I’M DONE!  I have been through some very troubling times and looking back now, I put up with more ill behavior from others on top of the pain I was already going through...who wants to accept that into their lives?? I sure thought I did, but ohhhhhhh how nice it is not to be bothered by it anymore! The sad thing is, is even though I removed myself from the situations, I watch it continually happen..kind of like a sickness and the funny thing is...there is no involvement at all on my end which makes it all the more confident in my decision.  Minds need to grow and learn and accountability be taken for actions played out.  I am learning that as well but I am far from this level!  Until that happens, I will continue as I am...and that is HAPPY!

I have been practicing my guitar and it is a lot harder then I imagined or maybe I am taking on too much too fast...If you know me, I do not like to wait for things...so I jumped a few levels and tried just playing songs I want to play instead of learning the basics, so I am going back and forth a bit on that...I am learning lots though and it is so very relaxing.  I am not going to promise this yet, but I have strong intentions to join a gym here soon.  I feel that if I pay for something, I will more likely keep on it, but I am not sure on that.  I have been changing my eating habits as well to try and eliminate my severe food allergies, so I don’t want to overwhelm myself with drastic change because then I will lose interest too fast.  But I need to do it all for sure! I sure wish Mchenry had an enclosed pool that was open to the public, I could swim daily and it is so good for you! We will see how the next couple weeks unfold.

Again, I need to go off to dreamland so that I am rearing to go for a productive work day tomorrow.  I hope all is well in your world and if not, MAKE IT HAPPEN!!!

"Because I Said So........": Knocking down the walls.

"Because I Said So........": Knocking down the walls.: Although I know that I have walls up to protect myself and my girls, I don't think I realized that some of them are so strong that I a...

Knocking down the walls.

Although I know that I have walls up to protect myself and my girls, I don't think I realized that some of them are so strong that I almost don't have the power to knock them down for my own self.  I have had them up for so very long that I am having trouble letting them fall.  At first, I was recognizing this and telling myself that "it must not be time to knock this one down or it would knock down itself"  My heart told me different and I soon found myself being combative with my own thoughts.  As i dug deeper and dissected this, I found that I was completely consumed with hidden pain and fear that I have hid behind this wall for approximately 10 years now.  Through my past relationships, I have let this be my guide and I followed my own insights to the fullest and I can say quite confidently that those choices were the right ones for the most part.  At this point, I know it is time to knock those all down; it is just an extreme scare to say the least!! 

With my recent unexpected rekindling of my once husband's relationship, (on a good friendship level) I very quickly was transformed a bit. Right away there was a lift of heavy burden off my shoulders.  I can't express the comfort this brought me. What I can express is that this opened my heart and eyes to the underlying reason for some of my behaviors that I have presently.  After much back and forth with this new change and many nights of complete confusion, this was all so very clear to me.  I brag always about my strength and although I take much pride in it...I know now that my strength in some areas may have been extreme weakness hiding out. I have a bit of time I am sure until I understand this fully or maybe not understand but am comfortable with all these changes.  As I type this even, I still am scared that I need to keep these walls up but I know they have to come down.  I do not know if the rekindle released the fear partially or if it was just a timing issue.

This past year, I have learned many lessons as I have expressed over and over.  I very rarely make myself promises, but when I do....I can guarantee I stick to my promise!  I made the promise that no one is going to control me or make me feel inferior any more...See I have this type of personality that can attract this kind of behavior.  I even have lived knowing this and continued to let it happen...BUT NO MORE!! Last year, I put a strict promise on myself that I will no longer let this happen and especially from loved ones. No one person is going to treat me like I am lower than them or that my words, thoughts, feelings or concerns don't deserve to be heard or felt.  I have stuck to this and it has changed my life in many ways.  It is rewarding and built my confidence level up even higher than it was. The reason I mention this is because this rekindling fell in the midst of this promise and although this is something that I have longed for , for a very long time....I will not buckle to anything that is not a comfort zone , because that would break my promise.  I need to put myself, Bob, Brianna, Bailey and Cheyenne first.  The rest will fall into place.

Back to the issue at hand about this heavy duty wall. I have let it down and it feels good, not great yet, but very good.  I still am combating myself that I need it up but I know it is to be down now.  The wall was up to protect my pain; I never wanted to be so hurt again.  I did let people in my heart and life because quite honestly I do let everyone in my heart and life because that is just who I am and who I always have been. What the difference is is too let someone into my heart and soul.  I can say that I have never in my life been in the place that I am in right now.  I can be myself, feel free, feel smart, and feel like I have meaning on this earth. (I could go on and on)  I have never felt this, and the sad thing is no one knew that nor really cared I believe.   None of that truly matters though anymore because I understand it all and I am not seeking out approval or feeling the need for resolution at all times with ones that do not see things for what they really are, instead only focusing on themselves and self-fulfillment. There is obviously much more involved in all of this and I share that only with the man that has held my hand along this roller coaster path of mine. He has not only walked with me but guided me with the knowledge and wisdom of his own path.  He is a HUGE part of my realizations because of the love, support and respect that I have forever looked for and finely HAVE.

Now with all that being said, I have much to work on to better myself.  I now see behaviors in myself that need some tending to.  They are not terrible, as a matter of fact, they probably are just as good as they are bad but I need to understand them and focus on them to make sure I am using them in the best manner. It amazes me how I keep gaining knowledge on myself daily almost.  It has become a hobby in some ways to learn about my own being.  I do not feel enough people actually take the time out to pay attention to themselves and understand who and what they are.  

I feel a bit empowered over these recent happenings and although life sometimes can be challenging and I have times that I question where and what I am doing, I have the confidence that I can stop and think my way through anything.  I slip up quite a bit I will say, but I know that taking accountability will make me seek out resolution in a healthier way for all involved.  I am working on that as well :).  

So, with 1:00 am approaching, it is now time for me to snuggle up and rest my mind, if that is at all possible. Tomorrow is a new day.

Another New Year but this one is Going to be Greeeeeaaaaaaaaaat!!!

I would say that 2011 was quite full of unexpected drastic events for me and I am sure for many of you as well.  As I have expressed in other posts earlier, I have learned so very much in this year from so many different avenues of my own life.  I have used all these lessons as building blocks for myself.  As we all are aware, we never stop growing and learning.  This is the biggest lesson I have come across quite honestly.  I always learn, but I never probably applied it to myself for myself.  I have come to the realization that I need to focus on Sheryl far more than I do.  The backbone of my personality has to be strengthened by my own confidence and self-assurance, without this...I don't feel I can give to my fullest extent to others.  I am a giver, I have always been, I live for always wanting to fix and make things better for all.  This is something that has continually broken me in many ways.  Up until recently did I recognize that this is not benefiting me as I thought it was?  This could be the reason that I am on multiple high blood pressure meds at 40???? So, with much thought and pondering, I reached deep inside my heart and found the difference between the strength to survive and the strength to stand up for your own self.  What I mean is that I am a very strong person and always find resolution to survive and make whatever is on my plate work in a positive manner and I don't settle for anything less.  What I did realize is that as strong as I may think I am, I was just as weak by always letting certain people walk all over me and always wanting to make peace and most importantly...I always let their words and actions affect my well-being on a constant basis.  This is soooooooooooooo harmful.  I thought I was just being a "good" person by sitting back and taking it and just crying or being sad instead of being..well.. A bitch and expressing my true pain and feelings.  I have to admit that it saddens me that I have to alter my own personality to deal with some people that are in my life.  I would never alter it for them, it is an alteration for myself because I am an emotional person and I need to rid of ill behavior and egotistical people that are basically 100% bullies and cannot deal with their own issues, so they portray negativity on the ones that let them and I have always been that person but guess what??? No More of that, I will only give what I am to those that are deserving of it.  It feels good to release that constant pull towards always wanting to resolve, I won't say that I don't care anymore because that would be a lie, but I will say that I am quite comfortable that I found that piece of me that can now deal with separating what is worth my energy and what is not and I can now understand that I can pick and choose my battles...I never practiced that to the fullest extent.  I battled that is for sure, I am by far not innocent but I will stop the fight in a matter of a second to appease the other person and bring peace.  I will also say confidently that I never want to be mean and I never bully anyone and never will and I feel deeply sorry for those that have to and especially at the age some are!!! 

On a happier note, although that is happy for me....I am going to focus on me and my family for Health and Well Being this year, ok, for eternity!  I have amazing girls and an amazing boyfriend and I cherish each of them to the fullest extent.  Included in that is just what I described above..letting go of the events in life that cause the body stress and frustrations.  I will only entertain the positive in our lives and really you can turn everything into something positive if you have that gift.  I can't describe to you how the alternations to my own self makes me smile and makes me feel like quite the different person in some ways.  With the support of my girls and Bob, I have made some great transitions that I am very proud of.  I imagine it is some of the major happenings that we went through together that actually pulled us together and that is because we learned from all of it and moved forward instead of holding onto it and going nowhere! The key though is too learn and take it all in for what it is and always go with your mind and heart and decipher what you can and can't deal with and again LEARN...then you can move forward.  You cannot settle for something in life just because someone else thinks one way.  I see this in so many relationships of all kinds.  Actually probably the majority of the people in my life are this way.  Be yourself.  That is probably one of my favorite things in my relationship is that I get to be who I am and think how I want and discuss it and listen and be able to see things different on my end and equally have him see things different on his end  and it is a  process more should practice.  With a closed mind or a mind that is truly not yours...you will eventually fall or burst!! TRUST ME ON THIS, PLEASE!! Never settle and never keep your mouth shut when you have intuitions and or strong feelings, your own words are 100% worthy to all and if that person does not see it that way...then that person is not worthy of your companionship in that manner or at all in some cases.

I want one thing to stick in your heads and this again is something that many people do not practice.  NEVER and I mean NEVER make a judgment on a person of any sort without being involved remotely in that situation.  No one ever knows a story unless you are a part of it.  Have you ever played Telephone, you know the game when you have a line of people and the first person says something and you whisper it down the line...well just in that small line, has it ever come out of the last person's mouth the same way it started???? NO! So in the real world, why would this be any different?  It is not! What the difference is, is that people who don't stop being self-absorbed and pay attention to the matter at hand cannot help but open their mouths to cause friction of any kind. Honestly, most of the time the people who are doing this, really do not even have the business expressing anything.  This is a very hard lesson to learn because those that possess this trait have a very hard time breaking of their own egos and strong need for negativity and misery.  This will eventually if not already create irreversible happenings that one will regret.

I intend on writing more and more and I won't promise this to myself, but my intentions are to start a book and I will, I would love to start it now and maybe I will.  I have many lists of accomplishments that I plan on checking off this year, that is definitely one for the bucket list but I truly would like to jump on it sooner than later. Writing has made me see so many things in a different light.  I may not be the best at it, and although I am OCD in pretty much everything in my life, I am not in grammar much at all.  But the release is enough for me and that is what it is about and to maybe touch on a subject that others deal with as well.  It is always nice to have someone relate to your own situations.  

I will continue to give as I do and be there for anyone and everyone at all times, I just will stop when the negativity is present and the ugliness appears. 

I am out of here until later!!! Happy New Year and I hope this is the year for everyone!!!