"Because I Said So........": Drowning in my own pain.................but owning...

"Because I Said So........": Drowning in my own pain.................but owning...: I want the outdoors right now, I want my path in Glacial Park .. where I can walk down and breathe in fresh air , be one with myself and cl...

Drowning in my own pain.................but owning it!

I want the outdoors right now, I want my path in Glacial Park .. where I can walk down and breathe in fresh air , be one with myself and close my eyes and reflect on all the happenings in my life.  I want to take pictures of all the elements that I see that only bring me comfort and are so beautiful for what they are and what they represent.  Everything out there is real, so true to what it is.  In nature, it is the circle of life, but that is what it is supposed to be , what it always has been and never changes.  All just takes what it is supposed to take, what is expected to make it prosper and grow.  In our world, the circle of life has changed so dramatically.  We take more then we need, more then is expected to the point of extinction in some ways.  I suppose we are all greedy to a point, some more then others and some probably not enough.

As I grow and yes I am 40 and still growing as we all should be.  I cannot say that I don't learn a lesson if not more than one a day.  I don't know if that is part of my personality or if everyone truly does as well.  Some lessons I will honestly say I could do without ever having to learn and yet at some point, those lessons even are appreciated at some point.  As we go down all our paths and lead our lives, everyone is approached with off beat paths and bumps and rocky sections and we are taught to battle them, smooth them out, choose the right one but are we really supposed to be doing this in a constant manner?  Or should our lives be a bit easier?  I know we all say "That is life" or " Life is hard", "Life sucks" "Life is full of disappointment" etc.  I just don't see why we are here to just fight a constant battle, I am a positive person , a goofball for probably 95% of my life and I for the most part see the light at the end of the tunnel for the series of unfortunate events.  Once again though, is this what is intended for life on earth or has it been so shredded through time? We can all look at what we have been dealt and treat it as ugly or treat it as a piece of art we can work with.  I usually always try that approach by nature.  Even with this approach sometimes, I want to just throw it all in a deep, deep water hole and make it all go away, at any cost.  I don't like to suffer, I most definitely do not like to watch my loved ones suffer.  It just seems as it is all around, ailments hanging by everyone's front porch.  When I was married, I tried a tactic to my then husband and said...lets try this, before you walk in the door at night, hang all the negative issues, all the ugly happenings and factors up on the little red shrub and walk in fresh and then grab them back in the morning with a fresh start to resolve.  That did work for a short time and I still practice that (although , I come in the garage now, but I use an imaginary shrub).  My point is that we can carry so much on our own selves to such a degree that it effects those around us and it creates a path of destruction to even beings that you don't even associate with on a daily basis.  I have always wanted to carry as much pain with me, from any and everyone.  I remember when I was a little girl, my dream was to always grow up and build a GIANT HUGE building that all the old people could live in so that they were never lonely and could always have people around them and food.  I have always been a nuturerer or mother hen if you will.  I just always wanted to fix everything, not out of control issues or challenges, but because I care, I care so damn much that it is usually too damn much and right now I SOOOOOOO hate that trait.  I never want anyone to hurt, I want to make it better if I can at all.  I can only assume knowing my life , why I am like that.  Maybe I will share that at a later date but nonetheless I try not to impose my bad days or bad thoughts onto anyone else and I still try and take others away.  We feed off of other people, actually I strongly believe that people have lost touch with who they are and what they are.  We are all so busy, so busy to even stop and respect yourself enough to know what is happening, where you are heading and how you are effecting others.  The faster it gets done, the faster you get to eat or pamper yourself...but in the long run , you are harming yourself and your loved ones.  Our times, economy, values have pushed us all into a whirlwind of choices and paths that are not even necessary for existance, yet we burden ourselves anyways and try to keep up with the jones's and impress the ones around us to the hilt.  You know you do this or have done this and it is ok I guess to some degree, but when that degree becomes to hot, we need to recognize and cool off a bit.

As I sit here at my dinner table , only the dogs and birds laying next to me and my music  playing of course...I sit and cry, cry harder then I have cried in years.  I will say, I am in pain...I don't admit that much and always try and hide behind that bright sunshine.  Why? oh, just because I practice what I preach, that if you look at things positive, only positive will come out of it.  Well , for the most part that stands true, true to me anyways.  But I don't have to right now, I have the right to fall, to drown in sorrow, to feel the pain for what it is, I can even do it for days if I feel the need.  I will drive around the block and pout sometimes just so I don't play Debbie Downer and bring everyone at home down.  I am home alone, and even though my pets definatley do care, they take me for who I am.  I know that all things heal and all pain subsides, but this one stings, this one I could say with confidence, has won the trophy for intensity.  It is not one thing, yet a combo pack...Yes...I got the combo pack on this one.

We all have problems right?  I am not by any means saying I have it any worse then the next, but I have had a whole lot in a right after another, and another, and another path and I have managed to knock it all down and keep coming out of it all. I wont settle for anything else I guess.  Maybe if I stopped and let myself fail, then things would be so different and maybe the vast amount of bad times would diminish because I would not expect any more.  HEY, that was a lesson learned while I typed that....see, yet another checked off for the day. I will not act on that lesson though, so no worries.

I had a conversation this past weekend with a person that was once one of my very close friends, that I spent a great deal of time with on a daily basis.  Now, the conversation that we had is one I have had over and over again with many people, but this was different, this was different because of who this individual was.  I instantly felt an inner relief that has been bottled up for so very many years, some pain was gone and a whole new look at several different situations. To elaborate much into this past relationship is not necessary, but I will say that it was very dear to my heart for more reasons then one.  I don't think I stopped smiling the whole time but with so many meanings and reason behind that smile. The satisfaction level and self respect that came out of  that was pretty intense and so fulfilling.  The best part of it was that it was so completely unexpected, so to say the least....it filled a void that has been hovering for a long time and it brought peace to me and I hope maybe a little to them as well. (that really has nothing to do with this blog, but again, I am drastically random, so you have to appreciate that :))

I don't always have to pretend I am so strong, that I am unbreakable...ok, I kind of am unbreakable...but I am going to step up to the plate and say....I'M BROKEN right now and be ok with that right? I am admitting, I am sitting here crying in some severe pain and wish with all my heart that my baby girls , all three of them, were here with me or that I could be with some of my very close friends laughing, but it is not what is happening right now.  So I must accept the feelings, but I can feel how I want to feel, I can react how I want to react ,be exactly who I am because damnit...no one is telling me how to deal with emotions when they cannot even admit their own.

I made a statement today that I was going to start writing a book, I think we all say that at some point in life, and I have told several people in my world that they should do this...but pondering on it today, I have told myself..."self, you are going to write that book" and although my older sister that says "I suck at writing and she cant even handle reading my writings" I will expose all I want and how I want and those that want ...can and those that don't ... won't have to read it.

With all that being said, I am closing this to concentrate , if that is at all possible right now, to do some finances...so I will probably be deeper in that hole after that...haha.  I won't complain about that because I am making it "ok" on MY OWN!! But we wont go into that one either, we have ventured down that blog path enough, but you get my drift.

now Onward to more sulking :(
SS