"Because I Said So........": Drowning in my own pain.................but owning...

"Because I Said So........": Drowning in my own pain.................but owning...: I want the outdoors right now, I want my path in Glacial Park .. where I can walk down and breathe in fresh air , be one with myself and cl...

Drowning in my own pain.................but owning it!

I want the outdoors right now, I want my path in Glacial Park .. where I can walk down and breathe in fresh air , be one with myself and close my eyes and reflect on all the happenings in my life.  I want to take pictures of all the elements that I see that only bring me comfort and are so beautiful for what they are and what they represent.  Everything out there is real, so true to what it is.  In nature, it is the circle of life, but that is what it is supposed to be , what it always has been and never changes.  All just takes what it is supposed to take, what is expected to make it prosper and grow.  In our world, the circle of life has changed so dramatically.  We take more then we need, more then is expected to the point of extinction in some ways.  I suppose we are all greedy to a point, some more then others and some probably not enough.

As I grow and yes I am 40 and still growing as we all should be.  I cannot say that I don't learn a lesson if not more than one a day.  I don't know if that is part of my personality or if everyone truly does as well.  Some lessons I will honestly say I could do without ever having to learn and yet at some point, those lessons even are appreciated at some point.  As we go down all our paths and lead our lives, everyone is approached with off beat paths and bumps and rocky sections and we are taught to battle them, smooth them out, choose the right one but are we really supposed to be doing this in a constant manner?  Or should our lives be a bit easier?  I know we all say "That is life" or " Life is hard", "Life sucks" "Life is full of disappointment" etc.  I just don't see why we are here to just fight a constant battle, I am a positive person , a goofball for probably 95% of my life and I for the most part see the light at the end of the tunnel for the series of unfortunate events.  Once again though, is this what is intended for life on earth or has it been so shredded through time? We can all look at what we have been dealt and treat it as ugly or treat it as a piece of art we can work with.  I usually always try that approach by nature.  Even with this approach sometimes, I want to just throw it all in a deep, deep water hole and make it all go away, at any cost.  I don't like to suffer, I most definitely do not like to watch my loved ones suffer.  It just seems as it is all around, ailments hanging by everyone's front porch.  When I was married, I tried a tactic to my then husband and said...lets try this, before you walk in the door at night, hang all the negative issues, all the ugly happenings and factors up on the little red shrub and walk in fresh and then grab them back in the morning with a fresh start to resolve.  That did work for a short time and I still practice that (although , I come in the garage now, but I use an imaginary shrub).  My point is that we can carry so much on our own selves to such a degree that it effects those around us and it creates a path of destruction to even beings that you don't even associate with on a daily basis.  I have always wanted to carry as much pain with me, from any and everyone.  I remember when I was a little girl, my dream was to always grow up and build a GIANT HUGE building that all the old people could live in so that they were never lonely and could always have people around them and food.  I have always been a nuturerer or mother hen if you will.  I just always wanted to fix everything, not out of control issues or challenges, but because I care, I care so damn much that it is usually too damn much and right now I SOOOOOOO hate that trait.  I never want anyone to hurt, I want to make it better if I can at all.  I can only assume knowing my life , why I am like that.  Maybe I will share that at a later date but nonetheless I try not to impose my bad days or bad thoughts onto anyone else and I still try and take others away.  We feed off of other people, actually I strongly believe that people have lost touch with who they are and what they are.  We are all so busy, so busy to even stop and respect yourself enough to know what is happening, where you are heading and how you are effecting others.  The faster it gets done, the faster you get to eat or pamper yourself...but in the long run , you are harming yourself and your loved ones.  Our times, economy, values have pushed us all into a whirlwind of choices and paths that are not even necessary for existance, yet we burden ourselves anyways and try to keep up with the jones's and impress the ones around us to the hilt.  You know you do this or have done this and it is ok I guess to some degree, but when that degree becomes to hot, we need to recognize and cool off a bit.

As I sit here at my dinner table , only the dogs and birds laying next to me and my music  playing of course...I sit and cry, cry harder then I have cried in years.  I will say, I am in pain...I don't admit that much and always try and hide behind that bright sunshine.  Why? oh, just because I practice what I preach, that if you look at things positive, only positive will come out of it.  Well , for the most part that stands true, true to me anyways.  But I don't have to right now, I have the right to fall, to drown in sorrow, to feel the pain for what it is, I can even do it for days if I feel the need.  I will drive around the block and pout sometimes just so I don't play Debbie Downer and bring everyone at home down.  I am home alone, and even though my pets definatley do care, they take me for who I am.  I know that all things heal and all pain subsides, but this one stings, this one I could say with confidence, has won the trophy for intensity.  It is not one thing, yet a combo pack...Yes...I got the combo pack on this one.

We all have problems right?  I am not by any means saying I have it any worse then the next, but I have had a whole lot in a right after another, and another, and another path and I have managed to knock it all down and keep coming out of it all. I wont settle for anything else I guess.  Maybe if I stopped and let myself fail, then things would be so different and maybe the vast amount of bad times would diminish because I would not expect any more.  HEY, that was a lesson learned while I typed that....see, yet another checked off for the day. I will not act on that lesson though, so no worries.

I had a conversation this past weekend with a person that was once one of my very close friends, that I spent a great deal of time with on a daily basis.  Now, the conversation that we had is one I have had over and over again with many people, but this was different, this was different because of who this individual was.  I instantly felt an inner relief that has been bottled up for so very many years, some pain was gone and a whole new look at several different situations. To elaborate much into this past relationship is not necessary, but I will say that it was very dear to my heart for more reasons then one.  I don't think I stopped smiling the whole time but with so many meanings and reason behind that smile. The satisfaction level and self respect that came out of  that was pretty intense and so fulfilling.  The best part of it was that it was so completely unexpected, so to say the least....it filled a void that has been hovering for a long time and it brought peace to me and I hope maybe a little to them as well. (that really has nothing to do with this blog, but again, I am drastically random, so you have to appreciate that :))

I don't always have to pretend I am so strong, that I am unbreakable...ok, I kind of am unbreakable...but I am going to step up to the plate and say....I'M BROKEN right now and be ok with that right? I am admitting, I am sitting here crying in some severe pain and wish with all my heart that my baby girls , all three of them, were here with me or that I could be with some of my very close friends laughing, but it is not what is happening right now.  So I must accept the feelings, but I can feel how I want to feel, I can react how I want to react ,be exactly who I am because damnit...no one is telling me how to deal with emotions when they cannot even admit their own.

I made a statement today that I was going to start writing a book, I think we all say that at some point in life, and I have told several people in my world that they should do this...but pondering on it today, I have told myself..."self, you are going to write that book" and although my older sister that says "I suck at writing and she cant even handle reading my writings" I will expose all I want and how I want and those that want ...can and those that don't ... won't have to read it.

With all that being said, I am closing this to concentrate , if that is at all possible right now, to do some finances...so I will probably be deeper in that hole after that...haha.  I won't complain about that because I am making it "ok" on MY OWN!! But we wont go into that one either, we have ventured down that blog path enough, but you get my drift.

now Onward to more sulking :(
SS

"Because I Said So........": Perfect, what the hell does this mean?

"Because I Said So........": Perfect, what the hell does this mean?: Have you ever felt you are so sure of something but at the same time, you are questioning yourself deeply as well? Do we ever really truly...

Perfect, what the hell does this mean?

Have you ever felt you are so sure of something but at the same time, you are questioning yourself deeply as well?  Do we ever really truly know what is right or wrong or comforting or discomforting by our inner feelings or is it a combination of what society sees and what we feel or what we want to feel about something or someone? I am observing myself and others in this exact scenario.  I am not sure if this is my OCD that makes me constantly seek out resolution and understanding or if I truly see a problem with this and want to be aware of this.  This writing is kind of a mixture of my problems with OCD and trying to understand my obsessions with clarification and resolution.  I always want to understand every aspect of my life to the fullest, is this bad or is this good or do I need to find a happy medium? I sincerely do not know this answer and I am desperately seeking good advice on the manner.
We all have our life stories or our excuses for all behaviors that we possess as individuals, but I feel the majority of the time, we do not recognize that these can be harmful until we understand them fully for what they really are.  My childhood is not one that I like to share with just anyone, but to summarize, I have learned that so many of my childhood happenings are the backbone to a list of my issues in my life.  We all know this as common sense of course, but until you really think about it and seek out the entire picture , it is not a helpful tool by just being able to say those words.  Recognizing the ins and outs of the happening and linking it to a behavior that you possess is the only way to work through it.
As I have stated in previous blogs, that I am in a learning sector of my life right now and it is quite rewarding but confusing at times as well.  I am pretty much working on all of the ones I have come to terms with, some not being as easy as the next. I would venture to say that it is a lifetime of understanding because you never stop growing and changing and if you have an obsessive trait at all in yourself as I do, I cannot stop taking it all in and trying to make myself better or at least understanding myself to the fullest.  Now to add to that, my problem is wanting and trying to understand others that impact my life on a daily basis as well.
As I am given advice to relax and let life flow, I try that approach....trust me I try so hard.  Just when I think I am doing just that, something of a bigger sort happens and that all goes to the wayside again and it is hard to jump back on the Relax Train to say the least.
 I always say to myself and others that I wish I was a heartless, black hearted bitch, it would seem to make life much easier when you just don't give a shit about anything but yourself.
So I ask myself, at what point does making changes in yourself actually alter who you really are?  That is my fear, I never want to really change who I am, but I am open to changing my ways for sure if need be.  I absolutely know that I am very far from perfect and that I need work just as much as the next person no matter how happy and content I may seem.  It is a reality, and a reality that every person should be able to admit, because no one person is anywhere near perfect.  Because Perfect does not exist, it is a word society created that is far from real!!!!!  We are all different and for that , the word perfect cannot not possibly be real.
I observe so many people passing judgement on others and giving advice to others about how to change themselves or point out flaws that one carries, but they themselves do not take accountability for what they need to realize about their own self.  In our family, we call that "check yourself".  It is OK to give constructive criticism to others, but at the same time, make sure you are understanding that maybe your advice is based upon a feeling or belief that you have but is not true because it is not understood by your own self on your side. I hope that makes sense to you.  I guess in other words, I am saying : Don't harm others with words when you hold ignorance to your own being that you don't or cannot see to even try and fix yourself.
Everyday I worry about something and everyday I try to fix things and maybe even get stressed daily about something that I would like to make better.  I am working on that, I am not sure if that is normal and productive or if it consuming my life in a bad way.  I also do not know if that is a survival tactic or if it is a wall I have built up that I just can't knock down.  I can honestly say, that I wish with all my heart that I could go a day without worrying about something so deeply and just enjoy myself and my loved ones.  In the big picture, we are supposed to be having fun, enjoying life and moving forward right?  Well I do all those things but with stress always in the back of my head and the constant thinking, I can never stop thinking EVER!!! It is an addiction that I sooooooooooo want to break! (I think).

I don't really know what exactly I meant this blog to be about when I started, maybe I just needed to vent a bit and understand some feelings I am having at the present time.  I love to blog and share and I love it because it makes a difference for me and it has effected others personally as well and that gives me a good feeling.  Maybe I need for someone to hear my emotions out loud, who knows really.
I continue to work on who and what I am and want to understand myself, I truly want to be the best person that I can be but I also want to be just that "ME".  I will learn as I continue to go along, but I hope that all my lessons are ones that go hand in hand with what I want at the present moment and what I see in my future right now and all in a positive manner that only strengthens my insights as I see them now and not negative that I suddenly see something that I didn't see before that ruins those insights. Nothing is set in stone and nothing is forever, but you can definitely take every path and every effort to make what you WANT!!! I am doing just that and will use all my powers to continue towards my wants and needs.

"Because I Said So........": The Cow Path or your Own Path

"Because I Said So........": The Cow Path or your Own Path: Life as we know it is complicated in every aspect. Even if you have the most positive outlook on life and your own happenings, the fact ...

The Cow Path or your Own Path

Life as we know it is complicated in every aspect.  Even if you have the most positive outlook on life and your own happenings, the fact that complication and hard decisions are on our plates as a daily event is inevitable.   How we handled them is where the difference is.  It is so easy to try and keep up with the constant competition of your neighbor, friend, co-worker and we all do this and my question is WHY? Why do we always subject ourselves to always trying to prove a point, always trying to mask our real feelings, thoughts, outlooks, etc?  The reason is because the majority of society is close minded and not opens to change and or any venture that is not in the “NORM”. 

I know that everyone has had their fair share of stress and life’s horrific events.  I will say that I have definitely had mine over and over and not to say that mine are any worse than the next person, but I will say…that I have had an abundance of unfortunate events one on top of the other for some time that seems to not want to stop.  Through all these, I have not let myself down or let any of it get the best of me.  Do I break down ever? You better believe I do and sometimes uncontrollably.  That is only human.  But ….. I pick myself right back up and make a plan.  It is simple for me to look at any event and say: Ok, this is what is here and now it is time to make it work somehow.  There is an option for all events in life, they may not be easy, in fact they may be so very, very hard and struggling..But I always try and look at the final outcome being able to be checked off as done and accomplished. (Maybe this is my OCD that takes care of that part). My point to this is that, so many people give up or find an out that is neither positive nor helpful in any way to resolve your issue at hand.  Always remember, you can do whatever and if you don’t find resolution…that problem at hand will keep resurfacing forever and sometimes it builds into a powerful event that will be harder and harder to break down.  I sometimes speak as if it is all so easy, but to me, it is simply.  I am a black and white kind of person when it comes down to it and if it is wrong…..fix it, if it is working….leave it alone!!

I have expressed my constant babbling about learning lessons and how many I have learned in such a very short time, I will again say this and I watch on a daily basis, people in my life never learning a lesson from their experiences and or life itself.  Is this ignorance or is it that they see it, but too lazy or strong to make a change?  No one is perfect and I am far from it myself of course, but seeing all this drives me crazy and the controlling person that I am as well makes it hard for me to realize that I cannot do anything about it.  I do try though for all people in my life, I never give up giving or trying to help someone find resolution.  This is just in my blood and although I have come to terms that I need to pull back on that a lot with so many situations in my life, it will always remain a part of me for sure. I will say it is a painful habit to have to say the least.

You see things in life that you never recognized or simply just did not understand, what my eyes see, is so many people following one another, or following a higher power in different ways in their lives.  Does anyone really know what they are following or who they are following?  I would bet that answer is a high percentage of NO…we tend to treat those extremely important facets of our lives as fads.  Research is few and far between on a personal basis, it is always easier to listen to someone else and judge upon their liking or decision and it trails down that path of constant followers.  This is an endless path of destruction.  One must always know what they are dealing with in all parts of their lives and that extends deeper than that as well.  We all need to start standing up for what we see, hear and feel and expressing it to our likings.  This doesn’t mean you have to be a big giant ASS, constructive criticism and good solid advice can go a long way.  Never try and stray a person, simply share your points and views.  Always be a leader that is one lesson that I have successfully taught my girls and I am extremely proud and happy that all three of them are such leaders and I take pride in that to the fullest!  It is a solid piece of your inner self that will take you so many places in life!

My writing on all of this is because I have gone pretty much my entire life not having the self-control of my own feelings and trusting in others and I have learned this just is not the way and it has steered me into wrong avenues and I have made that change and will continue to always make that change and learn and grown … in my world that is the only way.

So……..with that being said….just check yourself and pay attention to the choices and moves that you make on a personal level and move forward with your intuitions and I promise you will see a change that you never thought existed.

Stay alive within yourself and LIVE YOUR LIFE!!!!

SS

Making changes for me....

Cant wait to be in my own home to start releasing all these unhealthy holdings.....I admit to the need for control at this point. Next week is going to be a rough one to deal with amoungst the other pile of rough ones. So many new lessons learned in the past crazy months, but for all the bad things that have transpired, one great thing came out of all of this and with that said...i will keep all the bad just to be able to keep this one good thing.  I will elaborate more when I am settled, I will have more changes, drastic life changes by then as well. Although this has been the most troubling time of my life so far, i have done the most growing, learning and most important...recognizing to say the least. To say I feel like a whole different person might be a bit dramatic but I think it gets my point across. Maybe it is the age or the cutdown on having my brain stuck in a class, but my eyes have never seen so much, taken in so much like never before. I can honestly say that noone knows me and thamt saddens me to a point .I have just found out so much about myself, i cant be sad that noone else does either. I have an amazing person in my life that I have known for many years but never knew the depth and I am cherishing every moment .
Growth has been a big part of my being lately and although it can and has been extremely challenging..I love the feeling of knowing my mnd is so open to change and resolution.
Well, just wanted a small vent... I'm full of happiness, confusion, confidence and most of all love!!!
Until then....think positive

Fast Growth within........

I wonder with the life happenings that we are all subjected to be handled in the correct way, or are there even ever a correct way?  Is the correct way based upon society or your surroundings or is it based upon your own inner self.  I am questioning this so much at the present moment because I can see both of these scenarios being played out and I am currently playing them in my own head.

I have grown so much in such a short amount of time learning about myself and seeing different behavior patterns that I have.  Some are good and some that need to be worked on. I have found in times of severe stress and times of in depth life decisions; this makes the mind work harder than the norm. I have had much of this going on and my mind can’t stop thinking to a point of destruction almost.  I am of course, just finding more strength and ways to deal in a positive and productive way…but to say the least; this is by far the most challenging adventure I have had to sail through!

I am realizing that what you might think is the right answers to what you have at hand is really sometimes not what you thought it is or once was. As much as you may want it to be just that, I am learning that I have to face the facts that it might not be. This is the lesson I am currently learning, to face the reality that is upon you and make it work in the best possible way.  BUT…don’t settle just because it is not seen in the eyes of others as what you want or need or see as the best scenario for your own personal decision. Life is about yourself and the ones you are responsible for, you are not here to completely please others or turn yourself into something you are not to appease someone else.  I am a nurturing person and always have been and probably will always be.  I am understanding though in this compulsive process that I am neglecting myself by not nurturing my own self.  I am asking myself, how can I nurture others, when I am not doing it to me first? Or is it something that is masking some past void and it makes me feel better to take care of others? Who knows, I am entertaining all these new insights of myself and I may figure them out or I may not, but I can say that I am going to give it my all, as I always do , to be the best person for myself and in general that I can be.  But I will not let anyone walk all over me anymore, that is NO ONE! I am not perfect by any means, but I am not a bad person either and always want the best to happen in every scenario that I am involved in.  Life lessons can sometimes be so very challenging, but you can always make good out of them as well.  It is all in your own mind how you see the outcome.  The outcome could in reality be bad, but if you have the tools to SEE it different, you can get through it and could even turn out to be a better ending then you would ever imagine.  I have some very challenging events in my life right now that I sometimes think I cannot and will not get through.  I am using every little bit of strength that I have to conquer it all and I will, I always do.  I have gained some understanding of my own self through this, which is always good as long as you make the best of what you see..meaning if change needs to be made..you make it or you stand your ground if you feel that you are ok with what that currently is.  Just always play all scenarios in your heart and soul to make sure that you are making the right choices or seeing things correctly.

I have always gone through life trying to show people happiness or trying to be a peacemaker even if I wasn’t involved in the situation.  I also try and rectify everything I am involved in and usually at a fast pace as that is my personality trait (which I am also learning is not such a great trait sometimes).  My new approach to all of this is to just play it out.  Again, this is not easy for me at all, in fact…it is extremely hard for me, but I am doing it.  I can say I am not very happy about it inside and not too sure if it is even me or if I even want this to be me, but I am giving it a shot nonetheless.   The main reason I am not happy with it is because it is making me hold in feelings, emotions, thoughts inside and I don’t like to work that way.  I always feel communication and letting all of that out is best practice, but I could be wrong and we will soon see. I also feel that this approach brings some negative aspect to the happenings I have at hand that I also am not digging too much because it is making me see and realize things I did not see prior. This could be a good thing in the long run as well.  Instead of trying to seek approval from all, I am just showing what is going to play out.  Action speaks louder than words always in any scenario.  You cannot always have control of the happenings, but you can always have control of how you feel and how you are going to deal with the happenings, because they are your own.  I want to express though, don’t let anyone take that from you.  Although I am keeping much in at the moment, I am pondering on all of it and taking it all in for what it is.  I will resolve within myself because you just have to. Final decisions will be made from my pondering when I feel the complete confidence within myself.  I have always done that, but I am taking it on a different way now.

So, on a good note, I am happy and ready for life’s changes and challenges that I have upon me at the present time.  I have had my downtime and worrisome time and now I am ready to take it all on.  That is how I work and that is how I cope and that is what has gotten me through some major hard times in life and I will stick with what works and build on it as well.  As there is always and will always be room for growth within Sheryl!   

Loving the Gamble and Change that is happening now!!!.............

I haven't blogged in a very long time and probably need to start to a bit more.  I have had my life change dramatically in a very short time and have been dealing with all the components that go along with this huge change.  I can say that I have had a vast amount of emotions, some new and some already experienced once before but probably never at this capacity.  Through all of this, I have had some eye openings on issues that have lingered in my heart and gone on way to long and I have finally has closure on them.  Some are unfortunate, but nonetheless much needed and sadly, it feels good to have this realization and to let go and move on.  I have gone my life always wanting to make peace with every action, every happening and almost any event that I am involved in and that has gotten me some good things but the bad things that it brings me has made me realize that this process is only worthy to those that are worthy of receiving it.  This is a big step for me to rid of constantly wanting to make everyone happy, you simply cannot do this and it has taken me this long to understand this.  From here on out, only those that can understand the meaning of family, friendship, support, loyalty and pure love are the ones that will get this from me, all others do not get this energy from me anymore, nor do they get to even try to take it.

I have worked so hard in the past 9 years for certain goals, goals that I set as attainable for myself and I keep saying to myself these last couple weeks that I was handed all that has been given to me in the past few months, but I now realize that this wasn't handed to me, I earned every bit of it.  That is what I worked so hard for and for all of it, I am receiving the benefits now and it is amazing.  

For those that don't know, I was approached by a recruiter for a job opportunity from a leading IT software company that I carry many certifications in and use on a daily basis as well as being an administrator for the company I currently am employed by. When I was first approached, I knew this company resided in Tampa, FL and at first was just entertaining the whole idea as a whole not thinking this was going to become much of anything for a company this size.  Well. I was totally wrong....after the couple phone interviews and the praise of all the different management; I started to entertain the idea as a real happening.  I was then asked to fly down immediately to meet the owner and CEO of the company.  Mind you, this all happened in a matter of days, I was a bit in ego shock.  I flew down to Florida at 845 am , had a fun filled day with them and to my surprise was offered the job on the spot, back on the plane and landed back home at 840 pm with a whole new look on my career.  I was, to say the least a bit confused, sad, happy, scared,  and every other emotion there could be, I spent the entire plane ride making pros, cons and making lists of everything that I could think of that was a benefit to me and .. well...there was not much on the side of not leaning towards this opportunity.  After much research, sleepless nights, meetings and discussions with executives at both my current job and new job, I decided that this was the absolute way to go.  I accepted the job and gave my notice to my current job.  I am making a huge gamble in life and I know that, but what I know most about all of this, is that this is the absolute right decision.  I know it is going to be hard, but with that known, I know I can do it.  Without bashing anyone, because that also is out of my life and from here on out, I understand I am the primary provider for my children's existence financially, mentally, physically and every other aspect, this is the best opportunity to make a better life for my girls and I'm so proud that I am going to do just that.  At this same point in my life, I am most definitely happier and content then I have ever been.  I have an amazing relationship that was completely unexpected and has given me so much inspiration, love, self-esteem, love, happiness, love...I just can't even explain in words what it actually even is.  All I can say is that I have never felt like this in any relationship and this is how it is supposed to be and this is what love, life and existence is about and I will be holding onto this for a lifetime, I promise you that.  Back to the job offer, I am dealing with some legal issues at the present time and as soon as that is cleared up, we will be leaving for Florida.  My start date is July 11th.  I am now extremely excited to go and have this opportunity for a better life and for a much needed change for me and the girls.  It is going to be such a great opportunity for all of us and I know this is going to be what is needed.  The past week, I have seen some things in my life that pushed me even harder to know that this is what needs to be done.  I am so ready to take this on and make the lives of my family flower and shine!

I have learned many lessons in a short time here and have blossomed in my own self dramatically in the last months.  One lesson learned is that you need to take chances in life and always look at them as positive and pay attention to detail.  Open your mind and accept in only what feels right in your heart, don't settle for anything and strive for what makes YOU feel good inside and what you want in life.  You never know what life has in store for you.  At the end of 2010, I had many things on my plate that did not look good, that did not have me going to good places. Was this real or was this how I was looking at it?  I think it was both realistically but I made a promise to myself in Dec of 2010 that 2011 was my year.  I made a stern promise in my heart and soul and I immediately started on that awesome path. My life has been continually changing since then with all positive and incredible happenings.  I know and acknowledge that I have some battles ahead that I will have to deal with from this big life change, but I am confident that I will conquer them with flying colors.  You always have to remember, that nothing is permanent and that you have a choice in life for whatever you take on and everything can be what you want it to be, that is, if you really want it and work for it.  Set your goals big and small and always work towards them.  Also, I express this lesson.  Instead of wasting your energy on trying to show others or even yourself that your choices are the right choices, just DO IT and that is all the proof you need.  As we always say, actions speak louder than words.  Don't waste that time on trying to convince, just show it in your action and nothing will ever have to be explained again. 

I will miss my incredible friends and family and I will miss McHenry, but I know it is always here.  I am excited to make all better and to give my girls freedom of struggling stress that we have been under for so long. My girls are amazing and stand by my side, as I always stand by theirs.  I cannot wait for our new life and have already started to embrace the change and emotions that lie ahead. 

Change is always good and brings so many things to your life that you never knew existed, I’m choosing to take it all on and to LIVE my LIFE.

We are quite happy to cut it into many small useful pieces

We are quite happy to cut it into many small useful pieces

My new found Realizations............kind of disheartening to say the least!

As I am gaining the understanding of my much needed "Sheryl Time", I have learned so much already.  It took awhile to realize that I now can take the time to understand and fully embrace my own life happenings.  For the last 10 years, I have had constant stress and horrific time restraints and I let so much go and settled for so many things because of this.  I have just come to the understanding that so many people use words to describe who and what they are about , BUT ...there actions do not meet up to that.  You can say anything, but following through is a different story.

Anything I am saying or sharing does not mean that I am exactly correct or that my findings are REAL, although... I will say from much experience and true and real happenings, that I have the confidence that I am most definitely on the right track. The one finding of mine, is very saddening....Actually, they are all sad.  Unfortunately, it has made me see things so different and what once meant a lot to me, has faded dramatically and it because the meaning of certain things in the beginning have veered far away from what they were originally meant to be.  It is kind of hard to describe all this when I am not going to elaborate on names or events that I am talking about, hopefully you will just understand from my explanations.

I believe that we are so easily steered away from what our true intentions really are.  This stems from many different things but the number one item being the fact that everyone has to feel the need to please SOCIETY instead of themselves.  That is not what we are supposed to be about and I suppose that is your choice, but I promise the other side of that fence is so much more rewarding!!! That should not go unnoticed, if you have an intention in your heart, mind of soul...you need to pursue it fully for the good intention that it is, but do it for the right reasons, don't do it for the heroism or the publicity or your own ego boost, this is what I see happening so much around me.  We need to do things for what they truly mean and what the purpose really is for, if you can't handle doing it for the intention itself, then you shouldn't be doing it at all.  Don't give something of yourself that really is not for anyone but YOURSELF!

We have always been taught that its about giving and not receiving, Well most of us have been taught that anyways, but regardless....I think we all need to Check Ourselves on this statement and make sure that is what we are really doing, because remember words have to match our actions and our actions have to flow with our words as well...Meaning, there can't be underlying meaning behind the words that we are selling.

I consider myself very lucky to be able to understand this and see this and make the changes within myself to make myself right.  I will say though, without patting myself on the back, that I have always been who and what I portray.  There was many parts of me that were hidden or that I did not let out due to my own doings, but nonetheless, I realized this and I broke those walls down completely and I can not even explain how great I feel. I let myself settle and be who my surroundings were and what was acceptable in my world.  That is not how it should be, well that's how I feel anyways.  You should always be who and what you are! Even, if others don't agree, that is no one else's choice, we are each individuals for a reason right?

I guess I am going to leave it at this because I have so many more learnings that I want to share and I want to separate them all

Decisions in Life

I went from thinking I had the worst luck in the world and prayed it would go away and always said that , "Someone must have something so awesome for me soon because I cant't handle anymore bad, sad, or troubled happenings in my life."  I felt I was being tested on an hourly basis and those of you who were in my life through these years can attest  that this was beyond  a true statement.  Well, not only did I get one awesome payback, but so many and they keep coming and coming.  Of course some being more then others.  I have had the most incredible man enter back into my life and I have never been happier or felt so complete.  I won't even get into that right now, but thought I would mention but really...sounds silly but it is way to special to even share.  You don't have to really understand that, but I do..so we will leave it at that.  I have had to make some decisions lately, that have been really, really troublesome but I know for the best! It is funny what life can hand you in such a short time.  I have such confidence in my decisions usually, but this one is definitely one that will hang over my heart for a long time.  But again, I feel everything happens for a reason.  I now know that my future holds so many choices and opportunities for me and I intend on living life...like actually really enjoying and living life the way I want to.  I am a simple person and enjoy the most simple aspects of life.  I want to embrace what is out there and take it for what it is.  I am making that decision to venture into my wants and needs and who knows where or what that will bring me, but I am soooooooooooo excited.  I have such an open mind for change.  I can honestly say that NEVER in my life have I felt like this, I know it is a combination of so many things, and really it doesn't matter, the bottom line is that I love what is happening and I finally understand so many things that I questioned before.  I have found the person that compliments who and what I am and I have reached some very big life goals and all of this together with my three beautiful girls and all their accomplishments have lead me down a path of complete satisfaction.  The inner feelings I have are amazing and I am still amazed on a daily basis to all I have been blessed with.  My blood pressure is down and my health is definitely for the better.  My life at hand, is the life I have dreamed about in all reality.  Finally, I have all I want but will always strive for the best for all that are in my life.  You do get what you work so hard for and life should never be underestimated.  Go out and live for what you love, not for what others love or for what you think looks good for society.  You are in complete control of your happiness and that means you live for your loves, wants and needs.  

Have an awesome weekend and remember to do things that make YOU happy :)

So angry, Vent Session in order!!!!!!!

I know people hate to listen to shit about other people's ex-husbands and lives and of course anything negative...but part of the reason I started this blog was for my own self and decided to just share with others my life happenings....so tonight you are getting some bitching and then I will feel better and move on.

As those who read my blogs, you already know I have an everlasting battle with my ex... Well, I should clarify that...he battles with himself and I just sit and watch! Do others have it worse? Of course, there is always worse...but guess what??? This is my issue and no one else's .. So to me, it is bad.  I make it in my life and give my girls all they need and then some. They do not go without by any means, but that is because I won't settle for less...I strive harder and compensate for WHO is not keeping up their end of the bargain.  

I usually blog and never use names or get specific for more reason then one, but I'm quite frustrated tonight and don't really care what comes out.  It is a free world correct???  

How can you first of all, not understand that you brought life into this world..Yes, you did! and it is your responsibility to be RESPONSIBLE.  Why is this so very difficult? WHY? You can't do it so you just sit back and don't work, spend what money you can get your greedy little hands on for going on over 3 years now?  Prior to that, you just simply paid what and when you wanted.  You have yet to pay for any medical bills let alone the court order that you have to pay for medical coverage all together that you haven't done either, the list of what you don't abide with is endless and quite frankly...I won’t' even put my energy into listing it, even though I'm putting energy into this, but it is for ME, not you...ME!!  

I play with the idea in my head quite often of going to court for the FIRST time that I initiate it in almost 9 years now.  Court we have been to plenty, but remember those times were brought on by you..to ummmm...well lower your support again and again and again until nothing and no work??? I don't want to waste my happiness and energy on a person that cannot own up to his responsibilities to his own beautiful daughters.  

Your first born daughter is going to college and you have not one clue about any of it, you would not participate, you would not fill out anything, you didn't share in one of the most important times of her life...How great that must feel, I am jealous of you! Don't worry; I am sure we can get you a sticker to put on your car that says you’re an NIU parent...so no worries! I got your back!!!

Let’s just go over a couple things in the 9 years that you haven't done

-Stayed home when children are sick - and 3 of those years you don't even work

-Pay for health insurance as court ordered - but....maybe a couple months you did...Your Awesome!

-Take your children to the Dr....Do you even know who their Dr's are??? 

-Sign one school document for all 3 children, for 3 different schools at any point - don’t worry, I didn’t include you in any of it.  Their grandparents, friends, aunts are listed...You know .. the people I can count on!

I’m going to just say this as well or admit this.....You are making me cry right now...why? because I care, I care that you make these choices that are going to hurt you or that are hurting you.  I cry in sadness for you! You can't go back on all this. As happy in my life that I am, I will never understand how this is how it is! It is beyond sad, beyond reality for me.  

I will now continue:

-Take the girls to the ER 

-I can't even go on, it is ricockulous

Oh - let’s give credit where credit is due for sure - You make lunches on your nights!! and you play games with them on your new iPhone's that you and your awesome girlfriend have. 

There is obviously much pain in this blog and I would apologize to all reading it, but this is real! This is my life! I DO NOT let it consume me in anyway, but when I walk in the door after working all day to start my 2nd job of being Mom and I get to see the mail  on the counter and see that coupon magazine business venture of yours (oh, how many of those you have) and know you are lying to the Government, lying to the state, and lying to the county, oh and lying to your children and mother of your children...it irks the living shit out of me! 

I choose to sit and watch because I won’t' let you drain my beautiful life, but I think things are changing in my thoughts....changing in my outlook! I will NEVER count on you, but I do believe it is time to start TAKING from you!!! The time of relaxing and taking advantage is over! I told you once, I won’t go small....I will go BIG and you have given me enough to go BIG on....you have no clue! My quietness and sitting back...was a front....I never stop doing homework! Even when it is not for school.

Happy Birthday on Thursday, I hope you have a great day! 

Oh and soon to be......I am honored to say that my name will be rid of Smith and back to Mayhew... That association is a killer.... 

SWING it like no other!!! 

Sheryl Mayhew

Letting Go of the Past.....

Do you hold on to the past?  or better yet, do you hang on the negative happenings in your past?  I think it is healthy to keep those thoughts in your head, but not so healthy to dwell on them.  If it consumes you on a regular basis, you need to find an out to release these thoughts.  In my own personal life, this has been an ongoing matter in my family.  I cannot say that I have not fallen victim to this as well, but through my paths in life...I have come to the conclusion that these thoughts can float through your mind and soul like smog and cover up all the good things that you have inside you!  You need to release and move on, discover what you feel, take on the feeling and dissect it until you find the peace and then put it away.  Carrying it with you for so many years, is only going to increase its strength by you feeding it and it is going to get harder and harder to rid of.

I have just found in my own life experiences with very painful past memories, that they bring  you down, sometimes so down that you don't know which way is up anymore.  It took me a long time to figure this out, but I did and I am here to share this with you because I know so many people in my life that are doing this at this present moment..family and friends.  I know sometimes it is easier said then done, but really is it not.  It is all about being in control of you own well being and many of us are not doing that.

I also think that some will think that you need to hold on to these because they are part of what and who you have become, this is so true...BUT...those issues already made those changes within you, so now take them and understand that was the positive of it all (well that is only if, you are on a positive path).

Which brings me to: kind of a big life pet peeve of mine...although, I will admit that I played this card many times up until not too long ago. Maybe I am wrong in this matter, and as always .. I am open to constructive critisism. I frown on the excuse of people's ill actions in life on what they lived or learned.  Now..I can understand this to a point ...ok many points! But, there has to be a line drawn where the crutch has to be removed.  Using these as excuses for you actions or your behavior is so easy for one to do, but the mere fact is that you are harming yourself by doing this far worse.  One has to realize that you...yes YOU...are responsible for all your actions in life.  We all know what is right and wrong and we all need to face up to reality.  The excuses used as a crutch in life .... need to stop!!

So, obviously...this is something that is current in my life and I felt I needed to speak on it . So...I did!!!

My advice to all is this...Let it all go...I can promise you that the inner peace you receive from this by far surpasses that pain that you have endured because of it! Take it on and CONQUER!.

Lesson Learned ~~~ Right MANG????

Trusting your heart is a hard thing to do, I don't care who you are...Strong or Weak!  The question I have is: Are you questioning because of your past or happenings in your life or do you question it because of a new inner feeling you have? Only if you take that time to really feel it and see all sides inside and out, right an left , up and down and grasp onto the feeling and play it out in your head before opening your mouth is what you always need to do and this goes for all your life happenings. The majority of the time, you can answer your own question, but you must take the time to see it first.  Usually a gut feeling is something real, but the real doesn't have to be what you at first thought it was, yet something that is possibly the opposite.

I look back at the last few years and some of the things that I did or didn't do because I didn't take the time to play things out in my head.  I do take into consideration, that my life was dramatically going through rough times and I know I made some little mistakes and some bigger mistakes...but nothing that was non repairable and I would like to think I repaired them already.

I have learned so much about myself it is silliness and not just from myself but SO SO SO very much from others.  There are so many things I didn't know about myself or remember about myself.  That is the beauty of keeping friends in your life forever, they share lots with you, well some do..  Even if they are thoughts that made you sad or ashamed and you regret!!!!! I still have learned more about myself.  As a matter of fact, just tonight I learned so much from two people in my life... the lessons never stop! The funny thing is those two lessons were the complete opposites of each other, One made me sad because of what I did and who it was and the other was..Well let’s just say....I guess you could call it KARMA.... SLAP!!!

I still struggle with the fact of having overpowering faith in my heart, I think......or maybe it is my heart that is just naturally caring and nurturing and I always feel the need to make everything right...That is a problem for sure I have....I always think I can make everything better!!! I suppose that is a good trait to have but can be painful sometimes. Nonetheless (I like using that word) I know that whatever I do or feel, It is all from the heart 110% and my intentions are always good.

I don't really know why I wrote this blog, Ok...yes I do totally! Let's say I am so blessed to have the people in my life that I have.  It is such a blessing to be able to bounce things off of the most important people in your life that give you true, educated and heartfelt advice. Thank you~ and you know who you are~~.... I am half asleep and this probably doesn't make much sense to all, those that really know me...it makes complete sense! All I know is that I know my heart, I trust my heart and I will follow my heart and right now in my life, I know what my heart wants and I will fight tooth and nail just for it and why? Because I have played it every which way and the good by far weighs out the bad by a LOOOOOONG shot!

I have to go to bed...I’m going to end this with a link to a video~ 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qg9Oz6FylIk

Everyone should have AIC on their music list!!!!!!!!!!! 

SPEAK UP and Don't be scared to Share!!

I just had to blog about this because it happens every time I post a blog. 

There is one thing that I also learned the hard way and i will share with you, keeping your inner thoughts, feelings, opinion to yourself.  I was always scared to let out what I was thinking the majority of the time and then when I would finally let it out after holding it in, it was usually with some bit of anger or such strong emotion that I wasn't getting my true point across in the end.  Sharing yourself doesn't have to be a negative and 9 out of 10 times, it is very constructive for you and the opposing being.  

I am just amazed at the responses I get on my blogs, but not for others to see; instead I get the phone calls, emails, messages on FB, etc.  My overview, views and traffic sources on my blog are high numbers compared to the actual comments left for the public eye to see.  I do understand that in some instances, there is much need for privacy and I can respect that fully.  

What disturbs me with the lack of expression is this is the exact problem that we have in our society.  Through my experience and my eyes of life...I see that people have no problem jumping on the wagon of judgment against a person, persons, etc. on hearing a story one time or maybe not even hearing a whole story.  YET, we are scared to make a public judgment on the major issues in our lives that we have in the BIG picture. I think our focus needs to shift to something worth putting our time and energy into.  I have expressed myself numerous times regarding how I personally see people accepting so much that is wrong in our world and looking the other way.  This pertains to not just worldly issues, but our community, our personal lives, our children. I can't even tell you how this makes me feel.  By turning your head and accepting, you need to take on the fact that you are feeding the fire and contributing to the mess we are creating as a whole.

The bottom line is so very SIMPLE.....discuss your surroundings with others, learn from others....ALWAYS learn from others.  I am not saying that just because someone is strong in their sharing of opinions and strong minded...means that they are even remotely close to having knowledgeable insight in any particular matter, but at least do research to make an educated decision.   We have technology at our fingertips no matter what, use this to your advantage, I cannot tell you how many times I Google a day regarding so many items that arise in my daily life and out of that always comes a new lesson that is put into play.  

I guess my true reason for this blog is that it makes me sad that people are scared to express how they feel in fear of what others may think or say or argue, we can't play these cards or we will never prosper or grow. Self-confidence is a tool for your everyday life, it gives you such strength that will take you to places that you have never been. Accept yourself for you are and share that with others. 

Now, don't get me wrong, I love the messages, comments, phone calls, etc.  But I would love to see more of them as well publicly.  

Remember this is our life and we get only one chance to make a difference and you can't make that difference if you hold it inside!!!

HEAVY METAL!!!!!