So angry, Vent Session in order!!!!!!!

I know people hate to listen to shit about other people's ex-husbands and lives and of course anything negative...but part of the reason I started this blog was for my own self and decided to just share with others my life happenings....so tonight you are getting some bitching and then I will feel better and move on.

As those who read my blogs, you already know I have an everlasting battle with my ex... Well, I should clarify that...he battles with himself and I just sit and watch! Do others have it worse? Of course, there is always worse...but guess what??? This is my issue and no one else's .. So to me, it is bad.  I make it in my life and give my girls all they need and then some. They do not go without by any means, but that is because I won't settle for less...I strive harder and compensate for WHO is not keeping up their end of the bargain.  

I usually blog and never use names or get specific for more reason then one, but I'm quite frustrated tonight and don't really care what comes out.  It is a free world correct???  

How can you first of all, not understand that you brought life into this world..Yes, you did! and it is your responsibility to be RESPONSIBLE.  Why is this so very difficult? WHY? You can't do it so you just sit back and don't work, spend what money you can get your greedy little hands on for going on over 3 years now?  Prior to that, you just simply paid what and when you wanted.  You have yet to pay for any medical bills let alone the court order that you have to pay for medical coverage all together that you haven't done either, the list of what you don't abide with is endless and quite frankly...I won’t' even put my energy into listing it, even though I'm putting energy into this, but it is for ME, not you...ME!!  

I play with the idea in my head quite often of going to court for the FIRST time that I initiate it in almost 9 years now.  Court we have been to plenty, but remember those times were brought on by you..to ummmm...well lower your support again and again and again until nothing and no work??? I don't want to waste my happiness and energy on a person that cannot own up to his responsibilities to his own beautiful daughters.  

Your first born daughter is going to college and you have not one clue about any of it, you would not participate, you would not fill out anything, you didn't share in one of the most important times of her life...How great that must feel, I am jealous of you! Don't worry; I am sure we can get you a sticker to put on your car that says you’re an NIU parent...so no worries! I got your back!!!

Let’s just go over a couple things in the 9 years that you haven't done

-Stayed home when children are sick - and 3 of those years you don't even work

-Pay for health insurance as court ordered - but....maybe a couple months you did...Your Awesome!

-Take your children to the Dr....Do you even know who their Dr's are??? 

-Sign one school document for all 3 children, for 3 different schools at any point - don’t worry, I didn’t include you in any of it.  Their grandparents, friends, aunts are listed...You know .. the people I can count on!

I’m going to just say this as well or admit this.....You are making me cry right now...why? because I care, I care that you make these choices that are going to hurt you or that are hurting you.  I cry in sadness for you! You can't go back on all this. As happy in my life that I am, I will never understand how this is how it is! It is beyond sad, beyond reality for me.  

I will now continue:

-Take the girls to the ER 

-I can't even go on, it is ricockulous

Oh - let’s give credit where credit is due for sure - You make lunches on your nights!! and you play games with them on your new iPhone's that you and your awesome girlfriend have. 

There is obviously much pain in this blog and I would apologize to all reading it, but this is real! This is my life! I DO NOT let it consume me in anyway, but when I walk in the door after working all day to start my 2nd job of being Mom and I get to see the mail  on the counter and see that coupon magazine business venture of yours (oh, how many of those you have) and know you are lying to the Government, lying to the state, and lying to the county, oh and lying to your children and mother of your children...it irks the living shit out of me! 

I choose to sit and watch because I won’t' let you drain my beautiful life, but I think things are changing in my thoughts....changing in my outlook! I will NEVER count on you, but I do believe it is time to start TAKING from you!!! The time of relaxing and taking advantage is over! I told you once, I won’t go small....I will go BIG and you have given me enough to go BIG on....you have no clue! My quietness and sitting back...was a front....I never stop doing homework! Even when it is not for school.

Happy Birthday on Thursday, I hope you have a great day! 

Oh and soon to be......I am honored to say that my name will be rid of Smith and back to Mayhew... That association is a killer.... 

SWING it like no other!!! 

Sheryl Mayhew

Letting Go of the Past.....

Do you hold on to the past?  or better yet, do you hang on the negative happenings in your past?  I think it is healthy to keep those thoughts in your head, but not so healthy to dwell on them.  If it consumes you on a regular basis, you need to find an out to release these thoughts.  In my own personal life, this has been an ongoing matter in my family.  I cannot say that I have not fallen victim to this as well, but through my paths in life...I have come to the conclusion that these thoughts can float through your mind and soul like smog and cover up all the good things that you have inside you!  You need to release and move on, discover what you feel, take on the feeling and dissect it until you find the peace and then put it away.  Carrying it with you for so many years, is only going to increase its strength by you feeding it and it is going to get harder and harder to rid of.

I have just found in my own life experiences with very painful past memories, that they bring  you down, sometimes so down that you don't know which way is up anymore.  It took me a long time to figure this out, but I did and I am here to share this with you because I know so many people in my life that are doing this at this present moment..family and friends.  I know sometimes it is easier said then done, but really is it not.  It is all about being in control of you own well being and many of us are not doing that.

I also think that some will think that you need to hold on to these because they are part of what and who you have become, this is so true...BUT...those issues already made those changes within you, so now take them and understand that was the positive of it all (well that is only if, you are on a positive path).

Which brings me to: kind of a big life pet peeve of mine...although, I will admit that I played this card many times up until not too long ago. Maybe I am wrong in this matter, and as always .. I am open to constructive critisism. I frown on the excuse of people's ill actions in life on what they lived or learned.  Now..I can understand this to a point ...ok many points! But, there has to be a line drawn where the crutch has to be removed.  Using these as excuses for you actions or your behavior is so easy for one to do, but the mere fact is that you are harming yourself by doing this far worse.  One has to realize that you...yes YOU...are responsible for all your actions in life.  We all know what is right and wrong and we all need to face up to reality.  The excuses used as a crutch in life .... need to stop!!

So, obviously...this is something that is current in my life and I felt I needed to speak on it . So...I did!!!

My advice to all is this...Let it all go...I can promise you that the inner peace you receive from this by far surpasses that pain that you have endured because of it! Take it on and CONQUER!.

Lesson Learned ~~~ Right MANG????

Trusting your heart is a hard thing to do, I don't care who you are...Strong or Weak!  The question I have is: Are you questioning because of your past or happenings in your life or do you question it because of a new inner feeling you have? Only if you take that time to really feel it and see all sides inside and out, right an left , up and down and grasp onto the feeling and play it out in your head before opening your mouth is what you always need to do and this goes for all your life happenings. The majority of the time, you can answer your own question, but you must take the time to see it first.  Usually a gut feeling is something real, but the real doesn't have to be what you at first thought it was, yet something that is possibly the opposite.

I look back at the last few years and some of the things that I did or didn't do because I didn't take the time to play things out in my head.  I do take into consideration, that my life was dramatically going through rough times and I know I made some little mistakes and some bigger mistakes...but nothing that was non repairable and I would like to think I repaired them already.

I have learned so much about myself it is silliness and not just from myself but SO SO SO very much from others.  There are so many things I didn't know about myself or remember about myself.  That is the beauty of keeping friends in your life forever, they share lots with you, well some do..  Even if they are thoughts that made you sad or ashamed and you regret!!!!! I still have learned more about myself.  As a matter of fact, just tonight I learned so much from two people in my life... the lessons never stop! The funny thing is those two lessons were the complete opposites of each other, One made me sad because of what I did and who it was and the other was..Well let’s just say....I guess you could call it KARMA.... SLAP!!!

I still struggle with the fact of having overpowering faith in my heart, I think......or maybe it is my heart that is just naturally caring and nurturing and I always feel the need to make everything right...That is a problem for sure I have....I always think I can make everything better!!! I suppose that is a good trait to have but can be painful sometimes. Nonetheless (I like using that word) I know that whatever I do or feel, It is all from the heart 110% and my intentions are always good.

I don't really know why I wrote this blog, Ok...yes I do totally! Let's say I am so blessed to have the people in my life that I have.  It is such a blessing to be able to bounce things off of the most important people in your life that give you true, educated and heartfelt advice. Thank you~ and you know who you are~~.... I am half asleep and this probably doesn't make much sense to all, those that really know me...it makes complete sense! All I know is that I know my heart, I trust my heart and I will follow my heart and right now in my life, I know what my heart wants and I will fight tooth and nail just for it and why? Because I have played it every which way and the good by far weighs out the bad by a LOOOOOONG shot!

I have to go to bed...I’m going to end this with a link to a video~ 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qg9Oz6FylIk

Everyone should have AIC on their music list!!!!!!!!!!! 

SPEAK UP and Don't be scared to Share!!

I just had to blog about this because it happens every time I post a blog. 

There is one thing that I also learned the hard way and i will share with you, keeping your inner thoughts, feelings, opinion to yourself.  I was always scared to let out what I was thinking the majority of the time and then when I would finally let it out after holding it in, it was usually with some bit of anger or such strong emotion that I wasn't getting my true point across in the end.  Sharing yourself doesn't have to be a negative and 9 out of 10 times, it is very constructive for you and the opposing being.  

I am just amazed at the responses I get on my blogs, but not for others to see; instead I get the phone calls, emails, messages on FB, etc.  My overview, views and traffic sources on my blog are high numbers compared to the actual comments left for the public eye to see.  I do understand that in some instances, there is much need for privacy and I can respect that fully.  

What disturbs me with the lack of expression is this is the exact problem that we have in our society.  Through my experience and my eyes of life...I see that people have no problem jumping on the wagon of judgment against a person, persons, etc. on hearing a story one time or maybe not even hearing a whole story.  YET, we are scared to make a public judgment on the major issues in our lives that we have in the BIG picture. I think our focus needs to shift to something worth putting our time and energy into.  I have expressed myself numerous times regarding how I personally see people accepting so much that is wrong in our world and looking the other way.  This pertains to not just worldly issues, but our community, our personal lives, our children. I can't even tell you how this makes me feel.  By turning your head and accepting, you need to take on the fact that you are feeding the fire and contributing to the mess we are creating as a whole.

The bottom line is so very SIMPLE.....discuss your surroundings with others, learn from others....ALWAYS learn from others.  I am not saying that just because someone is strong in their sharing of opinions and strong minded...means that they are even remotely close to having knowledgeable insight in any particular matter, but at least do research to make an educated decision.   We have technology at our fingertips no matter what, use this to your advantage, I cannot tell you how many times I Google a day regarding so many items that arise in my daily life and out of that always comes a new lesson that is put into play.  

I guess my true reason for this blog is that it makes me sad that people are scared to express how they feel in fear of what others may think or say or argue, we can't play these cards or we will never prosper or grow. Self-confidence is a tool for your everyday life, it gives you such strength that will take you to places that you have never been. Accept yourself for you are and share that with others. 

Now, don't get me wrong, I love the messages, comments, phone calls, etc.  But I would love to see more of them as well publicly.  

Remember this is our life and we get only one chance to make a difference and you can't make that difference if you hold it inside!!!

HEAVY METAL!!!!!

Do you really know how and what you are living?????

Now that I have the time to relax for the first time in so many many many years, I have had some time to ponder and process the actual "life" that I am living.  I have gone through my life just chugging along and taking it on as it comes and conquering what is at hand. The problem is that I have never paid much attention to the detail of what I am living.  Such as, politics, health, food, economics and all that has EVERYTHING to do with our everyday life.  I have just been flowing with society and not even understanding the problems and sick happenings that are right in front of our eyes.  I guess it was just easier to listen to other people’s thoughts and concerns and then simply place judgment on someone's wealth of information.  This was such a selfish act on my part!  You cannot make a fair and safe judgment on hearing or seeing a brief thought from someone or something else, yet I feel this is what so many of us do instead of simply educating ourselves to the fullest.  After all, this is our country and the future of our children and their children.  Don't you feel that you should know what is really going on instead of what is portrayed to us from the exact ones that are ruining us? In my short time of REALLY researching and taking the time to embrace the true facts of major issues our country has at the present time, is... well...pretty fricken scarey and what is scarier is that We, as Americans are just accepting what is here and not understanding the significance of what is happening and what is going to happen if we don't make some major changes. Those major changes have to be made with team effort and that needs to be done by educating yourself and making a move in the direction of a resolution.  I won't speak of my recent findings and learning’s because I also feel that you should not speak unless you have the information to back your stuff up and I do not feel that I am at liberty, at this point to express any opinion in a strong manner. I would love to hear other people’s opinions and thoughts.  Which brings me to another lesson I have learned and do practice and have always practiced on a daily basis and that is: LISTEN to others, you need to hear what other people have to say, even if you totally disagree, you still need to hear that thought out, then of course you can voice your opinion, but I always think it is healthier to discuss rather than argue and be negative, that is only going to make that opposing argument feel stronger. 

Just turning "40" scared me a little bit and sparked a fear in me of health and how I take care of myself.  With my ailments of allergies, respiratory and heart issues...I most definitely should be taking every opportunity to dig deep into the root of what I am consuming and what it does to me and this is by far a complex situation.  I am a bit disgusted to say the least and I am in the process to make major changes all around immediately.  I am pretty psyched about it for sure!!! I want to live the fullest life and spend as much time with my family and friends that I can. Consuming the everyday food as it is right now is not the path to that goal by any means. Again, this is a lack in knowledge on my part and I am lucky enough to have just the people in my life that are very educated and are going to change that all around.  I'm more than ready!!!

My point to this blog is that we as a society and country need to educate ourselves and this is a serious matter, I am not just talking blog shit, this is real!! R E A L!! There is so much we don't know; it is YOUR responsibility to take the time to learn all of these and carry them to others as well and especially your children. So, if you can think you are successful, think you are doing all right, but whatever venture you are in will eventually be nothing if you don't take a stance. If anything, take 10 minutes to ponder these thoughts~~~

Open Heart and Open Mind = Eternity of Happiness and Love

 

Now that I have graduated and have a few other things out of my life and taken care of, my time has come to focus on wants and needs that have been put on the back burner for way too long.  I have learned so many things in my past ventures and it is great to be able to recognize this and actually use these lessons daily in my life.  No longer will I be living life for others that take and destroy and hurt.  From here on out, I will be living my life and guiding my children's lives with the outlooks and knowledge that I have carried with me my whole life but never had the courage or self-confidence to express. Although I am not a changed person, I most definitely will be expressing my inner self that I always knew but maybe others did not.  I lived far too long trying to please everyone else and act upon everyone else's thoughts and perceptions. I will never stop the giving or caring or any part of my personality that is positive, but I will not live the pain that I have let encompass my life by never standing up for myself.  Those days are now over.

With that, comes many changes in my life, and that pertains to many aspects of my life, some which I will not discuss due to the simple fact that discussion just shows that it is still lingering and I have stopped it, so the discussion will stop as well. 

My point in life at this very moment has never been more rewarding and I have spent an enormous amount of time reflecting upon this. The place that I have worked myself towards is more than I expected in this short of time and I am most definitely proud of that.  I have had some unexpected events in my life good and bad, although one may be stronger than the other, I choose to look at it as equal. I can say that I feel complete, complete for the first time in my life.  Now, I don't know if that is because I have matured, or that my realities are standing out and easy to accept or maybe my efforts really changed so many things, or that the lessons learned has given me the appreciation of what I have at hand. Nonetheless, I will say...with a good head on my shoulders, so much love in my heart, and a great outlook on life itself...that I have never been happier or felt more secure in my life. Of course, being complete does not mean that I will not always strive for change and growth, that will be forever the case. 

I have a man in my life that I connect with more than I have ever connected with another person before, it is such a blessing that we have been reunited and recreated an amazing relationship.  It is always such a fun process to see what life has in store for you, it is an everlasting chain of events, but when you really pay attention to what you have and what is available for you and embrace it, your life can be exactly what you want it to be and sometimes, the answers and resolutions are right under your nose and you didn't even know it.  An open heart and an open mind, will take you to your destinations at any pace you want.

Life is basically pretty simple, it is how we handle and take on issues where the problems arise.  If we lay out the problems at hand and work through them step by step fast or slow...nothing can come out of it but resolution.  It may not always be what we wanted, but it will still be resolved. If you don't take on what you have and work at it, it is never going to go away, yet it will reappear over and over until you conquer it.  I, myself have quite a few issues I am working through that are pretty deep and effect my life in a dramatic way, I could be quite stressed about it and I am to a point, but I will not let it consume me, because I express it and talk about it and as I am doing that, I am resolving it and it will come to a better scenario soon enough. 

As I sat at my graduation listening to speakers and looking around me, so many thoughts and ideas were going through my head, almost crazy like at times.  I couldn't even keep up from the new thoughts coming out of my head, I took it all in and sorted it all out and realized many things that either were so deeply buried in my brain or just came out due to the closure of a HUGE part of my life...SCHOOL! Whichever it was, my realizations were awesome and feel so good.  So many heavy burdens have been lifted off me and it is such a relief to feel this, it took a couple days, but it finally here in my heart and soul.  

I love the new ventures that I will be taking on...My first and foremost is to be more relaxed and take in a bit more at a slower pace, listen better and consume others thoughts that are always being shared with me, but I always forget them because I am thinking 10 things at one time. You can lose so much doing that and it is something that bothers me daily.  I also started reading the Bible, I am not religious AT ALL, but I don't have a real answer to why I am not and this was brought to my attention and my only way to take judgment is too educate myself and so I am doing just that. I am spreading my wings and letting myself learn about the things in life that I may be against or simply don't know enough about to have the place to even speak about. So, I am going to engorge myself in knowledge in some areas that are grey for me! 

I will end this with the fact that you are in control of your own happenings and how you handle and deal with them is the outcome that you will produce. Take the time to weigh life out and feel it, then embrace it and do what you need to do with it. Remember, this is your life and your destination that you are leading, make your choices wise and positive so that you reap the rewards!