Although I know that I have walls up to protect myself and my
girls, I don't think I realized that some of them are so strong that I almost
don't have the power to knock them down for my own self. I have had them
up for so very long that I am having trouble letting them fall. At first,
I was recognizing this and telling myself that "it must not be time to
knock this one down or it would knock down itself" My heart told me
different and I soon found myself being combative with my own thoughts.
As i dug deeper and dissected this, I found that I was completely
consumed with hidden pain and fear that I have hid behind this wall for
approximately 10 years now. Through my past relationships, I have let
this be my guide and I followed my own insights to the fullest and I can say
quite confidently that those choices were the right ones for the most part.
At this point, I know it is time to knock those all down; it is just an
extreme scare to say the least!!
With my recent
unexpected rekindling of my once husband's relationship, (on a good friendship
level) I very quickly was transformed a bit. Right away there was a lift of
heavy burden off my shoulders. I can't express the comfort this brought
me. What I can express is that this opened my heart and eyes to the underlying
reason for some of my behaviors that I have presently. After much back
and forth with this new change and many nights of complete confusion, this was
all so very clear to me. I brag always about my strength and although I
take much pride in it...I know now that my strength in some areas may have been
extreme weakness hiding out. I have a bit of time I am sure until I understand
this fully or maybe not understand but am comfortable with all these changes.
As I type this even, I still am scared that I need to keep these walls up
but I know they have to come down. I do not know if the rekindle released
the fear partially or if it was just a timing issue.
This past year, I
have learned many lessons as I have expressed over and over. I very
rarely make myself promises, but when I do....I can guarantee I stick to my
promise! I made the promise that no one is going to control me or make me
feel inferior any more...See I have this type of personality that can attract
this kind of behavior. I even have lived knowing this and continued to
let it happen...BUT NO MORE!! Last year, I put a strict promise on myself that
I will no longer let this happen and especially from loved ones. No one person
is going to treat me like I am lower than them or that my words, thoughts,
feelings or concerns don't deserve to be heard or felt. I have stuck to
this and it has changed my life in many ways. It is rewarding and built
my confidence level up even higher than it was. The reason I mention this is
because this rekindling fell in the midst of this promise and although this is
something that I have longed for , for a very long time....I will not buckle to
anything that is not a comfort zone , because that would break my promise.
I need to put myself, Bob, Brianna, Bailey and Cheyenne first. The
rest will fall into place.
Back to the issue
at hand about this heavy duty wall. I have let it down and it feels good, not
great yet, but very good. I still am combating myself that I need it up
but I know it is to be down now. The wall was up to protect my pain; I
never wanted to be so hurt again. I did let people in my heart and life
because quite honestly I do let everyone in my heart and life because that is
just who I am and who I always have been. What the difference is is too let
someone into my heart and soul. I can say that I have never in my life
been in the place that I am in right now. I can be myself, feel free,
feel smart, and feel like I have meaning on this earth. (I could go on and on)
I have never felt this, and the sad thing is no one knew that nor really
cared I believe. None of that truly matters though anymore because I
understand it all and I am not seeking out approval or feeling the need for
resolution at all times with ones that do not see things for what they really
are, instead only focusing on themselves and self-fulfillment. There is
obviously much more involved in all of this and I share that only with the man
that has held my hand along this roller coaster path of mine. He has not only
walked with me but guided me with the knowledge and wisdom of his own path.
He is a HUGE part of my realizations because of the love, support and
respect that I have forever looked for and finely HAVE.
Now with all that
being said, I have much to work on to better myself. I now see behaviors
in myself that need some tending to. They are not terrible, as a matter
of fact, they probably are just as good as they are bad but I need to
understand them and focus on them to make sure I am using them in the best
manner. It amazes me how I keep gaining knowledge on myself daily almost.
It has become a hobby in some ways to learn about my own being. I
do not feel enough people actually take the time out to pay attention to
themselves and understand who and what they are.
I feel a bit
empowered over these recent happenings and although life sometimes can be
challenging and I have times that I question where and what I am doing, I have
the confidence that I can stop and think my way through anything. I slip
up quite a bit I will say, but I know that taking accountability will make me
seek out resolution in a healthier way for all involved. I am working on
that as well :).
So, with 1:00 am
approaching, it is now time for me to snuggle up and rest my mind, if that is
at all possible. Tomorrow is a new day.
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