This is an issue that I was going to try and stay from but the bottom line is that this is a huge part of my life. Better yet, I should say that because of this, it affects a huge part of my life. I married my high school sweetheart from the age of 15. He actually proposed to me when I was in my Senior Year of High School at the age of 18 and I didn't think twice at saying yes... We saved our money for a home, skipped my senior prom and saved, saved, saved. We moved out when we were 18 and 19. After renting for a little over a year, we married at 20 and 21 in Hawaii. We came back and bought our first home. At 22, I was pregnant with my first baby, Brianna. At 24, the second one was on her way, Bailey. At 25, the third and final daughter was going to be making an appearance, Cheyenne. We were happier than you could ever imagine. He worked for his dad as well as working on all his inventions that he seemed to come up with on a daily basis. I was blessed to be an at home mommy and enjoy my girls 100% and that is sincerely what I did. They were and still are, of course to this day, my strength and inner power to continue down our path. We started our own printing business and were doing pretty good. He also became a local McHenry firefighter, which I was very proud of.
2001-2002 our marriage became a constant battle. Things were falling apart and changing rapidly. I always asked myself “How do you know if you need or want a divorce" I didn't have the answer, so I took that as it was not the thing to do. Eventually, we separated and our once beautiful marriage was never mended. That question I always asked myself was quite clear now and I knew it was time. There are no words to describe that choice, that decision. It entails so many other lives, so many other issues in life. We talked, worked together on everything with the girls, we even discussed dating and other people in our lives as the first years passed. It was so healthy and so great for the girls. The day we actually got divorced, we sat and had a long conversation in the court parking lot and we were laughing and being the best friends that we always were and we promised at that time that no matter what, we would always keep that and that our girls would always be number one. I took that promise to heart, but too much surprise, that became the complete opposite. As much as I already know the reason for such a drastic change in thoughts and promises, I will steer away from those reasons, for it the fact here is that the promise was drastically broken.
I am hoping that this blog starts some talking with others that have similar issues to have someone that really understands. I could go on and on and on and on and on continuing this and bashing and bashing and I don't really want to do that. I think my words states the places in my life that I am lacking financially without having to point fingers, or be a man hater or anything else that could be portrayed as an angry ex-wife. It is great to be able to discuss, because it is an everyday burden/pain and when you can discuss with other, you can find resolutions to dealing with what you have at hand. Unfortunately, there are so many of us that struggle with this. If I had one thing that I could have right now, it would be to have even a talking relationship with my once Husband, Once Best Friends, and Father of my children. I don't know if that void will ever be able to be filled.
I will end with, no matter what I have gone through, what I will go through....I do not regret anything, We created three beautiful children together and nothing could ever get better than that and ... nothing can ever take that away. That is all I have to hold on to... Have a great night...
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